[change-up]

To whom this may concern:

I started a new blog - [everyday Easter] - based off the April entry that a lot of people continue to mention to me - [i need Easter for today, not just eternity] .

I feel like a blog should be shorter, updated more often and have a kind of theme rather than random thoughts. I may still keep this up though. Check it out, and stay tuned!

[faith for more than me]

Whoops guess who got caught up in life and forgot about this. Guilty as charged.

But God has been soaking something into my heart lately that I wanted to share. It's about faith. We've been studying Hebrews 11 (the "by-faith" chapter) the last month or so in my small group, and the other night as we wrapped it up, God showed me that the faith of the people listed was not just about them.

I mean, sure Abraham was given faith that enabled him to drop everything he owned, everything he knew, everything secure, and go "to the land I (God) will show you." Sounds nuts even today, and we live in the information-overload-I-can-learn-it-all-online-thanks-internet world.

And sure David was given faith and courage for many things. Same with all the other heroes listed in the chapter. Their assignments weren't easy. Their victories? Irrational. Their instructions, almost humorous if you think about receiving them in today's context:

"Take out the largest giant you've ever seen with a marshmallow shooter David."  Love, God.

"Build a boat that's 100 feet longer than an American football field and half the width. Fyi: you can't hide this in your garage or tool shed Noah."      Love, God.

"Rebuke everyone around you for their sin against Me Jeremiah. Let them know My wrath is coming, and it's going to be bad. You probably won't need a cell phone, Facebook or Gmail after this because you won't have many if any friends, but don't worry!"     Love, God.

Uh thank you? We read their stories in hindsight and assume we'd be able to say yes, but put them in today's context, and I'm guessing most of us would run the other way. I'd probably laugh first, then run. Like Jonah. Don't. Pick. Me.

But God did pick them. God did use them. And what He showed me last week was that their faith was not just about them. Sure He gave them faith and power to believe and do hard, impossible things, but that wasn't the end of His work. God gave them faith to carry out what He called them to do, yes. But He also used their faith to work through them to others and for His glory.

Take Moses and the Red Sea. Israel has just been divinely delivered from slavery in Egypt. They're on their way to the promised land when Pharaoh changes his mind and sends his troops after them. Ahead is the Red Sea. Behind are the Egyptian forces.

God's response? Raise your staff Moses. The waters will part, and you'll walk through.

God's promise? "I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD."   [Exodus 14:4]

The result? The Egyptians follow them into the Red Sea and are swallowed by the waters after Israel reaches the other side safely.

The purpose beyond just Moses' and Israel's faith? The fulfillment of exactly what God had promised about gaining glory for Himself. Check out the prostitute Rahab's testimony decades later: "We have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt . . . When we heard of it, our hearts melted and everyone's courage failed because of you, for the LORD your God is God in heaven above and on the earth below."   [Joshua 2:10-11]

God's sole aim wasn't their freedom from Egypt and miraculous crossing of the Red Sea. It wasn't only about their own faith and trust in Him at the time. Through their freedom, through their faith, He made Himself known as God, the only God, and gained glory and worship that is still being read about and learned today.

So if God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, then I have to ask myself what His aim of my faith is. Sure, I wish I trusted Him more, remembered to pray instead of worry so much, had more patience and less pride - the list goes on because I'd like more faith for me. But if me, myself and I am the end of the faith I desire, then I think I'll miss out on what God wants to do. And I think you will too.

Can it be true that God desires to use our faith for much greater things than just our own peace, joy, comfort, salvation and faith? Can we dare to look beyond ourselves in our self-absorbed world that's all about my pleasure, my pain, my comfort, my dreams, my money, my wants, my needs, my space, my have-to-haves? Can we dare to believe that God is capable of using our faith not just for our faith's sake?

I think so. I really do. Simply because that's who He is. Simply because I believe we are not the end of anything we are given whether it's money, relationships, time, talents, gifts, even trials and struggles. And I'm learning the same goes for faith.

[who's attention are You trying to get?]

A few weeks ago there was an apartment fire in my city that destroyed the homes of several international friends. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I spent a lot of time feeling sad and sorry for my friends the day it happened.

As I was dwelling on it and riding my bike home that night, though, I looked up from the path before me into the most beautiful sunset. The brilliant mix of colors was beyond a Crayola box of 64, and the clouds seemed to dance and float across the sky reflecting them. In that moment, these verses from Psalm 50 came to mind:

"The Mighty One, God, the LORD,

speaks and summons the earth

from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.

From Zion, perfect in beauty,

God shines forth.

Our God comes and will not be silent;"

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets. Our God comes and will not be silent. Wow.

Immediately I was reminded of my run a month ago through the cornfields and gravel roads of home. I had forgotten my headphones, so it ended up being six miles of prayer time and mind wandering, but as I looked around me at the sun-scorched crops that day, I couldn't help asking myself, "Whose attention are you trying to get God?"

To say it's been a dry year is an understatement. Very little snow this winter. Very little rain this summer. Corn turning brown in July like it was October - killing itself from the bottom up. Plants looking pretty parched. Creeks looking pretty sandy. Temps always way too hot and sunny without rain to refresh the earth.

But as I ran that day and looked at the scorched, thirsty crops, I was reminded that God was in control. That only He could "tip over the water jars of the heavens" (Job 38:37-38). That even when a farmer does everything else perfectly, they are still at the mercy of things beyond their control. But in that moment of helplessness, there is also a beautiful opportunity for faith to develop. And isn't that what it's ultimately all about anyway?

Our attention. That's what God wants more than anything else. And I'm learning He'll do whatever it takes to re-focus our hearts and eyes back to Him who gave us them in the first place. 

For some it takes a fire that destroys the temporary things of this world. For others it's a dry year where one's income, needs and livelihood are at the mercy of mother nature. For me? It was homesickness in South Africa. It was watching things I found my identity in crumble before me. It is now finding myself in a job where I have no choice but to depend on God for things I can't control, things I don't know, love and patience I don't have, difficult and painful situations I can't fix.

And though it often takes the hard things in life to finally look to God for strength and help, isn't it cool that He's gracious enough to give us those things? I mean, He loves us enough to allow hard things in life to happen - even though painful - because He ultimately wants to draw us back to Himself, the One who was before the world began and will still be around when the world ends. The One who made us in His image, bought our lives back on the cross and loves us as we come. The One who is so passionate about His glory and His people that He will not be silent. He will not stop pursuing us. He will not stop reminding us Who is in control and Who has the strength and wisdom to carry us through all things we face.

This is true grace, my friends, if we really stop to consider it. God loves us enough not to leave us where we are. And ultimately, more than happiness or easyness of life or simplicity, He wants our hearts, our worship and our love. And He will do whatever it takes to get our attention.

Super humbled by this. Super grateful. And praying I would continue to see His grace in all things. That both the good and bads of life are an invitation to once again put my faith and trust in Him who holds all things, knows all things, works in all things and has life under control when it seems chaotic and broken and overwhelming and hard from my perspective in the moment.

[the therefore]

The past few months the word "therefore" has been on my heart, mind and path. In my conversations, quiet times and songs. Constantly popping up and consistently pulling through.

According to Webster, it means "for that reason; because of that; to that end." It's never a word you start a thought or instruction with. It's a connector. Between what you've just said and what you want to say next. Because the statement that follows a "therefore" is always in light of what's before it - something else that must be read, learned and understood first.

And what's stuck with me the last few months is that the Bible is loaded with therefore-type statements. God never seems to deliver commands without that transition word or a phrase like it. "Because of X now do Y" or "in light of Y live like Z."

It's never "get your act together and shape up. Suck it up. Seriously what's your deal?"

It's always, "Remember what I've done for you. Remember who I am. Remember the way I have persistently and consistently followed through on every single thing I've promised throughout time and eternity. Then. Therefore. In light of that. Go live and serve and love this way, the way I originally made you, the way that will ultimately bring you the most peace, fulfillment and joy." God's commands are never apart from God's promises you know?

It's easy to forget that though.

There are things left undone. Things I know God calls me to do that I don't particularly want to do or be. Things I just can't seem to get figured out and truth I know but fail again and again to trust. The things I want to do I don't always do. The things I know I shouldn't do I continue to slip in.

And it's like, "Jeez God. Why am I such a failure? Why am I not better at this and trusting in that and able to be and do and live the way I know you want me to?"

When I find myself in this trap, I always have to come back to Romans 8:1-2. ". . there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit set me free from the law of sin and death." I am not condemned because I don't always have the faith, trust or love I should. I'm rebuked because I've failed to spend time with the One who gives those things.

Because when God calls us to do hard things, to give up hard dreams, to love hard people, to do more than just exist in this life and to hand over the rights to ourselves that we never really had anyway, we only find the strength and desire to do that when we spend time remembering Who He is and what He's done.

Everything begins at the cross and John 15 - remaining in God. Never with us trying harder, working longer, doing more or attempting to conjure up the things we know we're supposed to feel and do when truth is, we really don't feel them. We really don't care to do that. We're human. Painfully, obviously human. And that's not a miserable thing to dwell on. It's just reality.

This is the beauty of therefore, especially on days like today when I need it most. When I struggle with having any sort of patience or love or desire to be with people or serve people. When I wish the world would just stop spinning and running and my schedule would stop being filled. I realize it's not always a rebuking that I need, though, but a gentle, quiet reminder of Who He is and what He's done for me.

Passages like Isaiah 54:10 draw me back: "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the LORD who has compassion on you."

And I'm reminded in my quiet time that I serve and love and give and hand over my time, moneys, talents and plans because of what God's done for me. Never because it's noble. Never because it's a religious duty. Never to earn God's favor. Never to try and avoid His rightful wrath. Always in light of His compassion, grace and mercy in my life. Always the cross comes first. Always the time with God. Always the gospel for me before others. Then the action. Then the ministry. Then the therefore.

[more of my 1,000]

Just jotted down number 623 on my journey to counting 1,000 things I love, thanks Ann Voskamp, and wanted to share a few. I think I'll keep going for forever though. It's amazing how much it's already affected me in powerful ways. So good.

233. attempting others' accents

242. smell of sun-dried laundry

261. how the gift brings the giver

270. that we are invited to come as we are

306. finding the perfect birthday card for someone

312. seeing a shooting star

321. eating at local restaurants

329. unexpected conversations

342. people-watching at airports

361. not having a clue what I'm eating but that it's good

374. non-morning people in the morning

384. drinking bottled pop

427. witnessing three sunsets in a row

454. riding bikes in Shanghai traffic

522. the reflection of a wooden dock on water

561. a competitive game of cards

576. watching fires burn

590. summer nights

600. Therefore. God doesn't deliver ultimatums. Everything He asks of us is in light of what He's already done in us.

624? in progress..

[peace: the absence of worry]

My devotion tonight mentioned 2 Thessalonians 3:16 - "May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way." And it got me thinking about how peace seems to change meaning as it changes context.

For my friends from South Sudan, peace is no more fighting. No more death over land. Over resources. Over cows and power and religion and differences. For them, peace is the absence of war.

For friends from large, multi-millioned-people, cities, peace is quiet country silence away from the crowds and heat and crazy busyness of all that cities thrive on. For them, peace is the absence of poeple.

And God? The peace He is talking about here in 2 Thessalonians? I suppose I should go look up the original in Greek to get more meaning, but tonight I'm just going to take it at it's English translation. And to me, I sense the peace talked about here is simply a quiet heart and mind for once. It's a deep sense of confidence not in this world but in the God who made it. It's a trust that everything will work out. That life in all of its ups and downs is good. That this is not the end. Tonight, peace is the absence of worry for me.

I know it might change tomorrow. But tonight it's a quiet assurance that all is right in the world because my God's in control. Sure there is lots to be done, lots of hurt, lots of need. But Easter has already arrived. We declare every day Easter, because Satan's already toast.

[how awesome is the Lord most high]

This morning Oswald Chambers' devotion in My Utmost For His Highest really strikes me. He writes:

"It is much easier to do something than to trust in God; we mistake panic for inspiration. That is why there are so few fellow workers with God and so many workers for Him. We would far rather work for God than believe in Him. Am I quite sure that God will do what I cannot?"

Dang. Am I confident that God will pull through, or am I busy going about my own way of trying to do His work my way?

Reminds me of a verse that came up in conversation the other night but also came to mind this morning:

"With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promises, as some understand slowness."    [2 Peter 3:8-9]

The Lord is not slow in keeping His promises. He is not slow in doing what He said He'd do. He is not late. He is not early. He has not forgotten, and He is not in panic-mode or trouble.

This is a God who has steadily revealed, proclaimed and carried out what He said He'd do since the fall of man - restore the earth and redeem people from every tribe, tongue, nation and language.

With willing and unwilling hearts, inspite of unfaithful people, in the midst and through broken lives, God has humiliated Satan with the cross and open grave, given us an everlasting example in Christ for how we are to live and provided a way to be made right with Him without compromising His holiness.

God didn't ease up on His requirements because we couldn't match them. He provided a way through the cross of Christ. And He doesn't need us to see His promises come true. But He uses the willing if we will stop trying to do it our way. That's the God I'm following. And I want to see Him work if I will just get out of the way.



[the things i couldn't capture]

The last four weeks, I've been on a sprint across the world. Literally.

Spent five days in Thailand, one week in Taiwan and one week in China visiting both native and American friends. Went to reunite, learn more about their countries and bring back fresh perspective to better serve internationals here.

Then off to St. Louis to help lead a week-long Bible seminar with others from Egypt, Ethiopia, China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, South Korea and the states. Four weeks of whirlwind schedules, traveling and many new friends, but good weeks. Fun. Humbling. Exhausting. Challenging. Blessed.

And even though I tried to take pictures, I feel they don't really do justice to the best parts of my adventures. The most beautiful places could not be contained by a simple Samsung camera, and there were so many things that won't be captured by any camera.

Like smells. You can't capture those. Smells of food vendors, fresh meats, fried foods and ripe (even smelly durian) fruits freshly cut.

Or heat - from the weather, from the grills, from the people all around and the cars weaving in and out of crazy traffic. From the life that simply makes up a city - a place where the lights seem to be always on, the horns always honking, the people always out.

You can't capture people's mannerisms or language or accents or genuine laughter. You can't capture a drive through Taiwan's mountains singing along to old American tunes your friends learned while living in the states. Or my blunders at Chinese. Or the funny way a word like "sluggish" becomes a joke that makes you laugh every time with new friends from Nanjing. Or a ridiculous dance.

And conversation starters like this in a country where people are told there's no God are impossible:

She said: I hear you work at a church.
I said: Yeah, I do.
She said: I had a Christian roommate in college. She was the best person I knew, and I wanted to learn about Christians because of her.
I said: Yeah?
She said: Yeah. But my stepmom also says she's a Christian and goes to that place every Sunday.
I said: Church? Where Christians meet to worship?
She said: Yeah that place. But she's not a good person. So I decided I didn't want to learn about Christians anymore. When I used to study the Bible and learn about Christians I had peace. Now I have no peace, and I know I am lost. I think you know how to find it again.

Wow. Talk about an opportunity straight from the Lord. 

What about helping another Chinese friend proofread her testimony before getting baptized? Or spending time in prayer with fellow Thai brothers and sisters who understand what losing one's life to save it means? To often give up family, friends and cultural acceptance to follow Christ?

You don't take pictures while worshipping with believers in home churches that are techically illegal. You can't take pictures of uplifting prayer, humbling stories, the image of God in others or the beauty of sweet conversations about life, joy, grace and Jesus.

Most of all, I couldn't take pictures of the lessons God taught me. Lessons about His power and authority in the world. Lessons that reminded me He's in-charge, and He's got this. I tend to get stressed, frantic and overwhelmed about all the needs in such a broken world, but God reminded me He's not stressed, frantic or overwhelmed.

He's done this before - softened hard hearts, broken hard ground, met needs, preserved the persecuted, answered the cry for justice, worked through the broken to reach the broken. He's the one whose name is on the line here, not mine, and I'm learning He works best in the impossibles.

There's a lot of things I don't have figured out. There's a lot of questions I don't have answers to. But after the last four weeks, I have full confidence that I'm following a God who does. A hectice four weeks. An exhausting four weeks. But an incredible four weeks that taught me much about living and loving, God and people, hope and courage. Humbled, thankful and truly blessed.

[i need Easter for today, not just eternity]

Today's Easter - a day of hope and celebration. A day for rejoicing in Jesus' victory over death. A day for the return of alleluias and remembering the open tomb.

But more than assurance for eternity, God's showing me an even sweeter message of Easter this year. The last 11 months have been hard transitioning from school to ministry. How to balance my time, relationships, personal life, to-do lists and opportunities best is a challenge. How to not lose my identity in Christ by becoming busy for Christ has been tempting. And how to absorb the reality of the world's pain and crap has been the hardest.

But that's what God's showing me about Easter this year. Ultimately Jesus defeated death that Sunday morn, yet more than that, He also gave us a resurrection hope for every day of our lives. If every sin was defeated that day, then every day is Easter. Every day those who are in Christ declare victory over sin - both our own and the effects of others' on us - because the wrath of God has been forever satisfied.

The depression, loneliness and grief? We have victory over that because of Christ. The heartaches, mental diseases and cancers of life? Defeated. What about the unending questions after a suicide? Or the kid who's dad took off? Or the woman questioning her worth and value after years of abuse? Or the reality that we continue to do the things we don't want to do and fail to do what we want to do?

Can we really believe Jesus absorbed that pain and sin too? Can we believe God aches with us in the brokenness of humanity? Can we trust that we have victory over Satan's attempts to tear us down, belittle our value, immerse us in defeat and hold us there? Can we still find confidence in Psalm 27:13 - that we will see the goodness of God in the land of the living?

I mean, hope sounds great when I read and talk about it. And then someone comes to me with an injustice of life, and I'm supposed to tell them it will all be ok? They're at the foot of Mt. Everest with no shoes, food, backpack or water, and all I have to offer is flip flops. I'm supposed to hand them my flip flops anyway and send them on their merry way God? I'm supposed to trust that that will be enough?

"That's crap," was my first response. But as I've wrestled that out with the Lord this year, I have come to learn that in all things I can pray, and in all things I can point them to the resurrection where God didn't just defeat death but also sin and it's effects in the present form here and now. That He also triumphed over anxiety, depression, abuse, anger, grief, identity issues, doubt, injustice and pain that day. Pointing people to the open tomb is what it's about.

No, I don't think God's only intent was to save us for eternity that Easter morn so many centuries ago. I also believe He saved us from ourselves and this world here and now. We can live amongst the pain and crap and yet declare victory over all things unjust, all things ugly, all things sin in both us and others because of the resurrection. We can watch as He persistantly and steadily redeems the earth and its people to their original image after Him. We can find our confidence not in what we have to give but in what He's already done to make things right.

These are the truths I find sweetest today. This is what Easter's about. Christ rose so that those who believe in Him may one day live with God, yes, but Christ also rose so we can live right now, in 2012, - both fully and freely. I don't know about you, but I need Easter for today, and I'm going to need it for tomorrow. Praise God Easter is not just about eternity.

[israel]

Paul asks in Colossians 1:9-10 for God to fill his audience with the knowledge of His will in order that they "may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way." How so? Here's the list:

-bearing fruit in good works
-growing in one's knowledge of God
-being strengthened with His power to enable endurance and patience
-joyfully giving thanks to God who has qualified us to share in His Kingdom

The list translated? Blessing. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing.

Funny how that works. That knowledge and obedience to God's will and Word ushers in blessing, yet often we see it as sacrificial, taxing, noble, "super-spiritual". Like we struggle and wrestle with God when we should be embracing the blessing. Like we think that what we have by picking and choosing which commands we like is so much better than anything He could possibly give through utter obedience. Like we pat ourselves on the back for making noble allegiances to God or singing songs about surrendering it all, but in reality we cling tightly to our plans, our dreams, our desires, our strategies, our rational, our traditions and our appetites for the world's treasure.

I laugh so easy and yet struggle so much with these same things. And I realize that God did good naming Israel "Israel". Real good. One who wrestles with God. The identity we have all inherited.

[counting my 1,000]

I recently finished the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. So good. I mean, it's easy to read a book, put it down, say it was "the best", and then forget what it was even about by next week. Been there. Done that.

But this one was different because it had something practical attached. As I read about Voskamp's journey with her list, I started making my own with 1,000 gifts/things I loved. Right now I'm only at 235, but it has been a fun and humbling adventure so far.

84. the character of old buildings

107. laughing about nonsense

138. the way a meal brings people together

161. that a dead, frozen, brown earth comes alive again every spring

212. witnessing people do what they love

226. bare feet on soft earth

That last one is a lot like reading this book, too. As I walked barefoot across the park Saturday, I realized my sense of awareness was heightened while I kept an eye out for sticks, dog poop and rocks. But in that awareness, I also felt more things. I slowed down. I actually noticed I have a sense of touch. And this is precisely what Voskamp writes about - embracing the all of every moment and seeing it as grace.

There are many things I want to take away, but for now, I am going to just let it soak in that God is good. God is extravagant. God is real. God is present. God is in the midst of details and darkness and light and even mundane. He is to be experienced and loved and worshipped.

God is a bad banker - exchanging bankruptcy for bottomless checking. Not only cancelling our debt but filling our savings. He is life and meaning and purpose, and I don't think words do Him justice a lot of times. But truthfully, I think that's ok. Because I'm learning that that's what God's about sometimes - leaving people speechless. Quieting our noise.

It's an adventure you know. A crazy adventure and a mystery and a story and a beautiful ride, and though I know not what's ahead, I crave to see what He unwraps.

[no need for religion]

The last few days I've had several surprising conversations with friends about religion, and it seems to me that no one likes it. Truthfully, I have to say I agree.

Religion makes life into a list of "dos" and "don'ts".

It stuffs our ideas of a higher power into a being who is distant, unapproachable, and disinterested in our day-to-day affairs.

Religion traps people in indifference. You don't need to experience God, for routine will do the trick.

It's conditional.

It's monotonous.

It's ever so boring and brainless and unstimulating and emotionless and why do we need to let religion affect us when our physical needs are provided for, we have plenty of dreams for our lives and frankly, we're quite short on time these days.

As I was visiting with an international friend, I realized that the belief system she was raised in only offered this. God showed me that intellect, culture and routine only go so far in comparing religions, for at the end of the day, you can know everything and still have no faith in anything.

But testifying to a relationship with a God who is not distant? That's my witness. Speaking about a God I can meet with and experience and wrestle with and return love to? Sharing a personal struggle and how God walks me through that and slowly changes my heart to see it as He sees it? Those things are my witness too.

We could debate all night and day about the differences between religions. And there are just as many as there are similarities. But something you cannot debate is personal testimony, when someone shares how they've experienced a relationship with God that is not founded on fear or culture or rights or trying to please and appease a holy God.

Truth is, I never will. Truth is, God knew we never could. And that leads us to the cross where the world's relationship with God is forever, radically changed.

I don't think religion has done a whole lot for this world. It traps us in culture. Traps us in routine. Traps us in fear about what others think of us and whether we've measured up to God's standards.

But God? He's not about any of that. In Christ, we are made right before Him. We are loved as we come, cherished as a son or daughter, freed from self-condemnation and all the sin that entangles us.

Can we believe God doesn't want our religion? Our worship attendance? Our thin love? Our charity? Our can drives? Our cheap wall hangings? Our committee meeting hours? Our service hours? Our hypocrisy? Can we believe there is something more to God than a simply a list of "do's" and "don'ts"?

"Rend your heart and not your garments," the prophet Joel wrote to a culture where sorrow was outwardly shown by tearing your clothes. "Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love." [joel 2:13]

Gracious. Compassionate. Slow to anger. Abounding in love. Let those soak in.

God doesn't need our religion world. No one does. No one seems to like it. But I am convinced we need a relationship with Him. I'm convinced He desires that and wants to meet us where we are now so we can experience Him in a way religion will never allow. That He wants to walk through life beside us - sometimes coaxing on, sometimes slamming doors shut that we liked open, sometimes carrying us when our feet refuse to go, sometimes just being present. But always present. Always fighting for us. Let us not refuse the invitation.

[if Peter were a college student]

Yesterday I was studying the story of Gethsemane with a Chinese friend, and something really struck me. I have read that story countless times throughout the years, but it hit me in humorous and grave ways that the disciples were sleeping while Jesus was in agony.

Check out Matthew 26:35 first. Jesus tells Peter that he will deny Him three times before the rooster crows, but Peter insists he will never do that. "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you," he claims.

Yet what happens in the verses following? He and the other disciples fall asleep when Jesus asks them to keep watch. Not once. Not twice, but three times they doze off. Jesus is gripped with agony knowing what lies ahead. He has warned them to keep watch and pray so that they do not fall into temptation. He has warned Peter before this that He will fall to temptation by betraying His Lord, and what do they do in response? They fall asleep! Why? "Because their eyes were heavy" [Matt. 26:43].

Peter's my favorite. This isn't the first time he makes bold claims and fails to live up to them. And it's not the last.

Earlier on in his discipleship, Jesus calls him to walk on water [Matt. 14:25-33]. Peter slips for lack of faith. There's his betrayal of Jesus in the hour most needed - the most remembered "stain", if you will call it, on Peter's transcript [Luke 22:54-62]. And later at Antioch, Peter is called out for having a double standard with Jews and Gentiles [Gal. 2:11-21] even though he is the one who declares to fellow Jews that Jesus died and rose for Gentiles too [Acts 10, 15].

If Peter were a college student today, I think we'd be friends. "I'll never do that God," I declared coming to college. "Not me. You know I have no intentions of getting involved in those things. I'm on the straight and narrow. I love you. I won't even let those things tempt me." And I think there are others out there who can nod their head at this too.

Then college arrives, and there are party invitations. People don't attach meaning to your last name. There's freedom. There's relationships. There's choices. And it's in those times of choices that you find out where your heart is really at. "Oh Lord I'd never do that!" becomes a pretty weak statement when you realize you are also human and full of desires you didn't know you had and tempted in both mind and body to do things you insisted you would never ever do.

With this reality in mind, you've gotta love Jesus' statement in Luke 22:31-32: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Simon, Simon, you will fail, but I pray you will know the grace that catches you when you repent. Simon, Simon, in the midst of seeing your failure, you will see my goodness that much more. I pray you turn back. I pray you are even stronger because of your failure.

Truth is, we don't really understand the gospel until we see our utter failure to live up to who we think we are and who we want to be. I do the things I don't want to do and the things I want to do I don't do [Romans 7:14-20]. This is reality my friends, and it is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we see the cross for what it is. Peter did that, and this is why I like him.

He understood the reality of his sin. He recklessly failed many times. He fell far short of living up to who he thought he was. And by God's grace, after Peter repented and turned back and stopped depending on his strength or will power, God did incredible things through him to take the gospel to the nations.

This is the Bible. This is the gospel. This is what Christianity is to be about. Not perfect or holy or do-good people. Broken, failed, redeemed people. This is me, and I praise God for the utter failures in my life [both those that have passed and those to come] because it reminds me Who this is all really about.

"Not me God. I'd never do that," we claim. But I urge you to be careful of those words. I said them and found myself looking back and realizing I was sleeping when I should have been praying, just like Peter in Gethsemane. Yet when we turn back, when we repent, God uses the reality of our brokenness to shine His glory through us that much more. This is a beautiful gospel of redemption and restoration. May we all see the Peter in us, and from that, come alive to the goodness of God and His grace.

[dear God]

Dear God,

It's Valentine's Day, and as a single woman, I feel like there are two approaches I can take. Either I'm a hater of all things love or the overly optimistic one people also hate.

But what if I'm neither? What if I have no need to voice my opinion about Valentine's Day via Twitter or bookface? What if it's really ok just to be single and know that love isn't left up to one day of the year or a boy/girl couple relationship? I feel like You're ok with that too, God. I know that the love you offer is a lot more complete and fulfilling and lasting and faithful than this world even knows, and I'm ok simply soaking that in today.

Boy we sure get wrapped up in a lot of fleeting things. They're fun, sure. They're adventurous, sure. They're romantic, sure. But they're also temporary and sometimes leave us more empty by the end. Thanks for being eternal God. Thanks for being faithful. I'd take a guy after Your own heart any day, but I also know that my deepest desires are only ever going to be fulfilled by You.

Love,
Hannah

[as i am running]

I think God is trying to teach me something about going lately. Yesterday I was reading about Jesus healing a blind man and got stuck on the phrase "as he went along" [John 9:1], and today I noticed in the Good Samaritan story that the Samaritan stopped to help the beat-up man "as he traveled" [Luke 10:33]. Sure there were destinations they were heading to, but the journey was also an opportunity for ministry, and they didn't miss out.

This is convicting for me because truthfully, I'd love to be overseas right now sharing the gospel. When I first heard that one-third of the world has little or zero exposure to Jesus or the Bible, I immediately signed up to be one of the go-ers. I like adventure. I loved living overseas before. I'm young. I don't have a family to take care of yet. I don't have a lot of material things tying me down here. I'm physically capable. Prime time right? All signs point to yes 'cept God's.

And His is the one that counts.

So instead I am here in Ames working with international students. And don't get me wrong, I am really really blessed. Truly blessed. I get to meet people from many different countries. I get to rest in the comforts of my own culture and language. I get to be close to family and friends. I have incredible people to work with, and I get paid to do this. Wow. So blessed.

But there is still a desire in my heart to go overseas, and I stand guilty of accusing God He doesn't know what He's doing by asking how long til I can go. How long God? I'm ready. I said send me. Next week sound good? Alrighty. I'll get my bags packed!

However, I am learning that has also become a great stumbling block for me. So much of my heart yearns to go overseas that I can easily miss the opportunities God has given me here on the way. On the journey. As I am running. I thought that was a good title since this blog is about the race of life, and I'm realizing that my faithfulness to God is what matters more than the exact places I live or what my job title is.

So as I am running God, would you remind me that You don't need me to accomplish Your purposes? As I am running God, would you keep me humbled? As I am running, would you remind me that my best efforts and intentions are nothing without Your presence? As I am running, would you keep my eyes on the Christ who both began and finished this race we're in, so that above all else, I would put worship before work and love before service? That I may love You for Your own sake, for Your goodness, for Your majesty, and not for what You can do for me.

[keeping first things first]

This post is from my dad. He truthfully hasn't ever really used a computer. His version of email is sitting down with one of us kids or my mom and telling us what to type.

And I don't think he'll actually ever make time to learn because good old fashioned pen and paper still do the trick in keeping farm records and keeping up with people. I like that about him. No one writes hand-written notes anymore. But whether it's some Eden-township humor or a word of sincere encouragement, everything from him is personally written, stamped (sometimes obnoxiously) and delivered via UPS.

Here's a passage from one of his often-quoted and used books, though, that I like and wanted to pass on. It's by John Gile in "Keeping First Things First":

"Many people have much higher callings than they realize
but live on much lower levels than they should.

Our perceptions determine our attitudes,
and our attitudes increase or diminish the joy we experience and give to others.

Men and women in every walk of life seek fulfillment.
But fulfillment isn't something we get from our work.
It is something we bring to it.

Fulfillment isn't found in what we do,
but in why we do it."

I like the last sentence best. Good stuff I do say.