[is it worth it?]

Today I ate lunch with a missionary. We've had the opportunity to do it all week, and this guy spent eight years in Kazakhstan (had to look up the spelling on that one) and many years serving in all kinds of humanitarian aid throughout many countries. But as he told us the story of how he first got interested and then involved in missions, the amount of his knowledge and insight isn't what got me.

It was the fact that he came back to the U.S. for a conference, ended up getting an MRI done for a vision problem, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and rushed into emergency surgery, was given a few months to live, was started on chemotherapy, and then he went back. He went back with a clock ticking away the supposed last days and months of his life. He went back to continue establishing a group of believers and church. He went back while administering chemo to himself. He went back almost dying in the process, yet he went back to Kazakhstan compelled. Compelled to finish what had been started because the gospel of Jesus was worth it. And the best news? The church there is growing on it's own now, and the missionary is currently tumor-free.

Man. There are times when I've wondered if the gospel was worth stepping out of my comfort zone to witness. Or saying no to a night at the college bars. Or choosing God over a serious relationship. But to have a brain tumor, to have a gut instinct that the doctors are giving you less than a year to live and yet still go back to the people you have grown to love because sharing the news of Jesus' love is worth it? That's a whole new challenge that I don't know if I have the guts or faith to answer to. I'd like to yes, but I can't stop putting myself in that position and wondering how I'd react and whether or not God would be glorified in it.

Paul writes in Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." And my sufferings are pretty small in comparison to the ones that many here have taken-on for the sake of Jesus Christ and His love. That's powerful. That's humbling. That's the kind of follower I want to be someday, and I know I can't get there on my own.

But when God's Word comes alive in our hearts. When God's grace compels us to say yes to things we don't even understand at the time. When God's love completely fills and sustains us - that's when we truly become compelled to share the good news of Jesus Christ. It will never happen full heartedly if we simply feel obligated to respond in obedience to the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). When the gospel of God consumes you, you realize it's worth it, and I'm just starting to get a taste of what that's like.

[why are we bored?]

Today our speaker said boredom is one of the biggest problems with Christians today. We know the basic take-home lessons from the same old stories. We're tired of hearing the same sermons over and over again. We're sick of routine Sundays, routine Bible studies, routine motions of prayer and giving and serving as a Sunday School teacher or board member or volunteer since no one else will.

How do we get the beauty and spark and joy of knowing God back though? I mean, out here I feel like I'm in a spiritual greenhouse. I'm surrounded by people who are passionate about the simple power of the gospel. Excited to grow. Eager to understand God's purpose for their life. Desiring to meet struggles with boldness and willing to live by the standards of the Bible rather than their own ideas of what is right and wrong. For a long time I thought that last thing sounded so restraining too. I've always been a "good" person, but to fully live according to God's desires rather than coming up with my own ideas seemed constraining and suffocating and un.at.trac.tive.

Oh man have I been humbled by the Spirit though. I like to see the Word of God as a refridgerator a lot of times - decide what I'm hungry for and take only what I like. No thanks mayonaise. Yes please chocolate milk. But out here there are so many people who don't choose which books and chapters and verses of the Bible they like and which they don't. They don't just pick out the things that are easy to obey. They go back to it for everything, and they strive to live as God intended us all to, always messing up but also moving forward in His grace.

And the Word seems to be sweeter in the midst of it all. You realize how little you really do know. You see the goodness of God daily. Your mind is opened to bigger and greater things, and it makes you hungry to learn more. It makes you wish you were staying here forever. It makes you want to just keep learning and growing and reaching out to the people of LA.

Instead, however, my question is how to bring this passion for God, this desire to grow, this hunger for more than apathetic boredom back to my home, my friend circles, my church and the international ministry I'm a part of. How do we keep the zeal thriving? How do ignite the fire and power of the gospel in our homes, our communities, our friend circles, our churches and our nation again when it seems that has gone elsewhere in the world?

The average Christian today isn't a white, English speaking, middle-aged man. The average Christian today is non-wealthy, non-white and non-Western. It's a black, African female aged 28, and yet it's easy to forget that people other than European descendents worship the same Jesus. That other countries outside the West send missionaries, even to us. That God's gospel is moving rapidly throughout the world, and that the church is alive and growing in some really cool ways that don't always take the same shape or form of the traditional, Midwestern Lutheran church I grew up in.

Now how do we keep it alive as well in the very places that planted the first seeds of faith in us? How do we keep ourselves reminded that we're never done growing? How do we gain a new thirst for God's Word and realize it is extremely relevant and true and essential to our very lives? How do we get a bigger vision and heart for God's glory beyond our own struggles and questions and doubts? Those are my questions, and I'm guessing if I asked anyone else here they'd say go back to the Word and ask God. A few years ago I would have thought that was nice advice and then thrown it away in exchange for my own idears. But today I think I'll take it. Our Jewish speaker last night said that boys back in the day had to memorize the Torah - the first five books of the Old Testament - by age 10. Well I'm twice that age and then some, so thank goodness I just have to pray for desire and wisdom to read it!

['nuff said]

Three things I heard today that were convicting. Challenging. Inspiring:

"Jesus came to be the shepard of the whole world. Everyone matters. You will never look into the eyes of someone who doesn't. You will never look into the eyes of someone who is beyond the grace of God." [Justin Kron]

"Pray the Scriptures. Pray what God has said, and He cannot deny you. He can't change what He's already said." [my roommate Keisha :)]

"When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of?" [Romans 6:20-21]

'nuff said.

[learning grace all over again]

Two convictions today:

One is the following quote - "Giving what you've got is probably not enough in your mind, but God can make it. Keep on believing He will, and watch what God can do." Our speaker this morning was talking about Jesus turning five loaves of bread and two fish into enough food to feed a crowd of 5,000 (Mark 6:33-44), but it hit me in regards to my struggle yesterday. It's hard to understand why God lets so much hurt persist and know that I can't do much to help alleviate it, but today I was convicted in the Word and by that quote up above.

God knows there are hurts. God knows there are needs. And as a short-sighted human, it's easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged when we wonder why He's not meeting them. Soothing them. Changing them. So then we take it on ourselves to fix it. Change it. Alter it. Yet God never asked us to. He asked us to give what we have to help, and He'll make it enough for the purpose He's called us to. He fed the 5,000. He will end the suffering of this world. And I was not made to tell Him what He's not doing.

This leads me to conviction two - letting Him work rather than taking it on myself to try and solve. Tonights talk was about grace, and it was really humbling. God's free gift of salvation to all who call on Him as Lord is grace in it's purest and simplist form, and it's the foundation of what it means to follow Him. It's the message Christians have been called to share. The core of everything followers of Christ are supposed to be about. Yet I think it's also one of the easiest things to become numb to, as we hear it over and over again and forget it's true power in our lives.

Because truthfully, it doesn't matter how much I learn out here this summer. It doesn't matter how many people I share the gospel with. It doesn't matter how right I try to live, how much I pray, how devoted my quiet times are. Serving doesn't count. Spiritual disciplines don't count. Worship doesn't count. None of it counts in the end because none of that saves me or makes me a better Christian or person.

Grace does. Undeserved and unearned salvation regardless of who I am or am not. Regardless of how I succeed or fail. Regardless of what I do or don't. Yet how easy is it to forget that when I, when all of us, become so wrapped up in trying to serve God that we forget the reason why we're even able to? We serve because He served us. We pour grace on others because we're drowning in it. We're not worthy of anything more than the next person over, and I'm still learning that.

And even though I know there's a lot of time left out here, I've realized once again that living as a follower of Jesus all comes back to the basics. Loving God comes first. Then out of that love will come missions, service, worship, the answers to life's questions, everything. But it starts and ends with the basic message of the cross and God's grace to us through that gift. Rather than just a one time deal, it's learning the beauty of that gift over and over and over again, and I've still got a long way to go.

[saving the world. or not]

So LA. How to explain? The weather, mountains and palm trees are beautiful. The stuff we're learning is overwhelming, challenging, convicting, humbling, eye-opening. The people - amazing. In some ways I feel like I've been here for months. In others, I feel like we just arrived.

We've learned that missions isn't a command. It's a promise from God that He will redeem the world and bring peoples from all nations to worship Him as Lord. We've learned that God's plan for missions isn't tied up in a couple of verses at the end of Matthew. It's the theme of the entire Bible. We've learned about God's glory and how He intends to accomplish His purposes on this earth with or without us. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Just the salt on the meat. Just a snap-shot of everything we're learning.

And until I had to apply it to real life, I scribbled everything down furiously, learned as much as I could in and soaked it all up. Even today, the speaker challenged us to be content doing what God gives us to do rather than self-assigning our own mission because of overwhelming compassion for some noble cause, and I really liked that. So much of my heart breaks for the injustices of this world - child soldiers, genocide, starvation, homelessness, poverty, disease, forced prostitution, rape as a tool of war, hopelessness, modern day slavery, orphans and children without the opportunity to go to school and dream big. But I've also accepted the fact that God never asked me to save the world. He's given me compassion, but I cannot run off to volunteer for every good cause. I understand that.

However, what I don't get is why there is still so much hurt here beyond noble causes. This morning in class, it was so clear. It's because of sin. This world is a mess because we all live in sin daily. And until Jesus comes back to fulfill His ultimate promise of redeeming the world, this earth will continue to be a mess. Yeah that sounds easy enough to understand.

But then I pull myself away from the classroom. From my notes. From my head knowledge. And that's where it gets tough. That's where I have to apply it to real life, and frankly, real life isn't so straight-forward. I find myself at loss for words as I listen to two different friends describe real hurts caused by others. Real pain through no fault of their own. Real struggles that are hard to understand, hard to explain away, hard to answer when the only question is "Why?" Why God.

If He is going to redeem and save this world from all the hurt and injustice, then what is He waiting for you know? Like the Lincoln Brewster song goes:

"surely children weren't made for the streets
and fathers were not made to leave
surely this isn't how it should be
let Your kingdom come

surely nations were not made for war
or the broken meant to be ignored
surely this just can't be what you saw
let your kingdom come"

And yet I know that every person must have an opportunity to hear the gospel before Jesus comes back again, and until then, our part is in the chorus no matter how much pain life brings to us and those close to us:

"I will live
to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and I will give
with the life that I've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your name"

We may not understand God's timing. We may not understand why He performs miracles in some situations and seems to watch as others cause more pain. We may not be able to save the world from injustice and unfairness, but there's a God Who reigns that can. There's a God Who reigns that will. And He's going to do it for His glory and His fame, not ours.

God is faithful. I truly believe that. And I know there is goodness on this earth (Psalm 27:13). My question is how to let God truly break my heart for what breaks His while also standing by and being content with my small part. My mist of a life. My single grain in the sands of time. That's a challenge. That's convicting. And I don't know what it looks like.

[God's gospel. not mine]

They weren't lying when they called this thing intensive training. I'm out in Los Angeles for a seven-week program to learn about world religions and missions, and a lot has happened in a couple of days.

I've been incredibly humbled by the request to leave my "spiritual resumé" at the door. I've had the opportunity and challenge of sharing the gospel with a Buddhist who had never heard it before and didn't know she could become a Christian because of that even if she believed in Jesus. I've been taught a new way of studying the Bible when our large group spent almost two hours looking at the same six verses. I've had some awesome and deep conversations with others in the program, and I've been reminded over and over again that I have a lot to learn.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure how to unpack it into simple words. The only thing I keep coming back to is Psalm 19 about the power and promise of God and His Word. And I like the quote that I wrote in my Bible next to the psalm which says, "Sometimes we get distracted and forget the simple power and wisdom found in the message of the Gospel of Christ. We want to enhance it with our wisdom. We want to attain it with our power. We want to make it more compatible with our world." Guilty. As. Charged.

To think I traveled half-way across the U.S. of A only to be brought back to the core message of what truly following Jesus means. That it's not about my efforts, my spiritual resumé or my understanding of God at this point in my life. That it's not about me. And that it's all about Him and His power and His gospel. Cool beans.

[making fewer plans]

They say life is what happens when you're busy making plans. Usually the story of my life. But for the last month since school got out, I made as few plans as possible, and the change was really great.

I attended almost every life event from a baby shower to a baptism to graduation parties, weddings and a funeral. I also had lots of quality time to spend with friends and family, ran, biked, journaled, read the Bible, gardened, mowed, picked strawberries, baled hay, tried to keep the kitchen and laundry shuffle in some sort of order, dominated a puzzle, finally finished a book and made and sent out my thank yous to all my financial supporters for the I.T. project in LA. Wow you'd think I was some sort of blogger for a middle-aged housewife magazine or something! Truly I'm not, but it was fun to be able to help around the farm and house without a constant schedule/plan of places to be, things to do and people to see.

However, I don't think that problem is unique to me. It's a disease of our society, and it's also really hard to change. How do we slow down and learn to soak up life rather than letting the idea of life soak up us? How do we take a time-out and look around us to realize all there is in this world to be thankful for despite our constant discontentment with something or someone? How do we live intentionally rather than letting our jobs, our bank accounts, our wants or our to-do lists consume us?

I don't have the magic, universal answer. If you do, fill the rest of us in. But I do know that we don't deserve to complain about it if we aren't willing to change it. I mean, the entire last semester I've hated how much I run from one activity to the next. One appointment to the next. One coffee date to the next. And yet I wasn't willing to say no. I wasn't willing to think of my life in more than hour-by-hour spans of time. And life is what happened when I was busy making plans.

Now I'm in LA for seven weeks - one of the busiest places in the world when you think of crazy city drivers, pace, everything. But I don't want to be so "American" anymore. So go go go. Got a huge dose of what that felt like to slow down in South Africa and loved it. Got another small one the last month or so at home and loved it. And someday I hope I can do that no matter where I live. The next seven weeks out here could be quite fast paced and intense, but my goal is to make the most of my free time rather than feeling obligated to fill it. Because I feel like it'd be ok if our society slowed down. Just a little bit. And then maybe we'd have time to enjoy life beyond our immediate plans.