[perfect faithfulness]

Read Isaiah 25 today in record speed before sprinting out the door with my coffee in one hand and bag in the other. Off to school for another busy day of student teaching. I'd been meaning to get up earlier and have a long quiet time, but good intentions don't always translate into action I'm sorry to admit.

As I was driving, though, the phrase "perfect faithfulness" kept coming to mind - Isaiah 25:1. "O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." And I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it, but I started meditating on this idea.

God's perfect faithfulness. That mean's it's never late. It's always enough. It's never biased. It comes without strings attached. It's flawless. Tried and true. Free from the world's motives, desires and shortcomings. And God's track record? It's spotless. His motives? Pure. You just don't see that anywhere here on earth. Maybe in our minds, yes, but not reality. That was my food for the heart yesterday morning as I drove towards school.

Then, later that day, a friend sent me a new song to look up - "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin. And I loved it right away. My favorite part is the chorus:

"I lift my hands to believe again.
You are my refuge. You are my strength.
As I pour out my heart this things I remember
You are faithful God forever." [chris tomlin]

You are faithful God forever. Isn't perfect faithfulness another beautiful sign of God's grace inspite of our broken world. His righteousness and holiness and perfection shine brighter, and man I just want an increase of faith to truly believe instead of simply knowing that kind of stuff. May You, O Lord, grant me grace and help me with my unbelief.

[identity]

There are a lot of books written on this subject. A lot of programs dedicated to this topic. A lot of quotes and verses pinned to mirrors and fridges and bulletin boards to serve as positive reminders. But in reality, no matter how many feel-good books I've read and things I've heard, my struggle with contentment in who God has made me to be never goes away.

For a while I stopped blogging. Got busy. Used my time for other things. And started reading other blogs that were funny, witty, more entertaining. And I got stuck in that trap of dwelling on all the things I wasn't. It didn't eat me alive every waking moment, no, but it got under my skin enough to stick around way longer than it should've.

Then the other day I came across Job 39:13-18. It's just a funny passage about an ostrich, but for some reason I love verses 17 and 18: "for God did not endow her with wisdom or give her a share of good sense. Yet when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider."

He's not lying either. I've ridden an ostrich before, and I hung on for dear life. And to our human eyes the animal seems so pointless and dumb. Yet to God it's another part of His patchwork on earth. Another example of His diversity and love for beauty in all shapes, forms and sizes. Another piece of evidence that He has a purpose behind every detail of our lives. He did not make the ostrich smart. But He did make it fast. And He called it good inspite of our human tendancy to question it's purpose.

So when I get stuck in the trap of dwelling on everything I'm not and degrading my identity based on those things, I continue to remind myself that there are always going to be people I'm not. But if the glory of God is spread through the earth by giving certain gifts to some and other gifts to others, than Amen. So be it. May my life be lived by my identity in Christ - not in comparison to other people.

[tweaking the rules of the road]

I tried driving the speed limit for a while there when I got back from LA. Trendy, I know. But seriously, I'm really sick and tired of living a crazy, busy, American-paced life, so I figured I'd start with something easy - driving the speed limit. And it was ridiculous.

You don't realize how incredibly slow 55 mph is on a two-lane highway until you try to obey it. And you don't realize how slow you're actually supposed to go in town until you become conscious of that.

However, when my focus changed from getting to my destination as fast as possible to simply arriving eventually, I became more aware of what I was passing. I became more conscious of the laws of the road, and I began to realize that I've obeyed the speed limit in the past a lot like I've obeyed God - close enough.

In his book Radical, David Platt talks a lot about the way the U.S. has misunderstood and even manipulated the gospel to fit our comforts, our culture and what we like. If the Bible is our speed limit - our law and rules of the road - we've decided that 5 or 10 over here or there isn't so bad.

I like a God who loves me but not always a holy God who pours out wrath on those who reject Him. I like a God who comforts me in hard times but not always a God who says hard times will come because I have chosen to follow Him. I like a God who is safe and easy to worship but not always a God who I may have less friends because of. I like Jesus' command to love my neighbor when my neighbor is easy to love. It's hard to obey another of His that says forgive, especially when I don't think a person necessarily deserves it. And so I pick and choose what parts of God I like and focus only on them.

But Platt warns against this very thing. "As a Christian, it would be a grave mistake to come to Jesus and say, 'Let me hear what you have to say, and then I’ll decide whether or not I like it,'" he writes. "If you approach Jesus this way, you will never truly hear what he has to say" (20).

This is so easy and so tempting though you know? I want to hear just the verses I can obey. Just the passages that are familiar. Just the God that I want to think of rather than the God that is. I pick and chose where God's commands don't really need to be obeyed or where a little tweak (like driving 5 over) isn't that big of a deal. That is, of course, until five becomes ten. And then maybe ten becomes 15. And then bending little things becomes an excuse to bend others, and pretty soon, I find myself with a comfortable gospel once again - one that has been bent to my comfort level rather than God's standards. One that I can obey. One that's easy to follow. One that makes me feel like I'm a good enough person. One that I've measured according to everyone else rather than the God who authored it.

It's a good thing God works in and through and inspite of me, though, on this road called life. The cross becomes greater in the midst of this, and the reality of who I am not starts to become pretty evident. God didn't ask me to pick and choose what parts of Him I like. God didn't ask me to tweak His commands to fit my opinions. And yet everything in me sways towards that.

So for now I'm going to keep attempting the speed limit. For now I'm going to try and focus on the journey rather than just arriving. For now I'm going to be the annoying one on Highway 30 attempting to actually stay at 55. And by the grace of God, I want to grow in my obedience to Who He actually is, not Who I've created Him to be through my opinions, my tweaked Gospel and my comfort levels.

[greater things are still to be done in this city]

I'm in. I don't know what it means. I don't know when. I don't know where. I don't know anything, but I want to be a part of God's plan to take the gospel where it's never been heard before, and I was told this weekend that if I don't tell people it means I have a plan B, a second option in case this missions thing doesn't work out. No plan B though. I'm scratching my multiple ones out.

Six weeks ago I came out here more interested in helping bring social justice to the world, and I thought that would be enough. Yeah I wanted to share the gospel, but I figured I could do that through building schools, developing education programs, running after school programs, helping refugees and whatnot. I was broken of that pretty fast, though, and for the first time in my life, I want to go overseas for the purpose of spreading the gospel rather than trying to right every injustice.

William Wilberforce, the politician famous for helping abolish the British slave trade, once said, "Having heard all of this you may choose to look the other way, but you may never again say that you did not know." And in so many ways, I feel like that's the story of everything we've been learning and doing. I can't go home knowing all that we've learned and do nothing. Sure there are plenty of other ways to serve the Lord in comfortable places, but our speaker this past weekend really challenged us on a whole new level. "Bust through the fear. Bust through the excuses. Bust through the fog," he said. "It's not sin that will keep you from going overseas. It's distractions like 'this is good too. This is needed too.'"

But I want to be obedient to God's command to share the gospel with the world that has never even had a chance to hear. I was born in a place where there are churches on every corner and Bibles in almost every house, but God doesn't love me any more than the person who's born where those things aren't. And I find no contentment or peace in understanding that and doing nothing about it.

The cross has been magnified this summer like never before, and I'm continually broken by my increasing need for forgiveness, grace and mercy. Even though I don't have all the answers and am extremely unqualified to go, I want to be used anyway to spread the message of salvation, and I know God can only use willing hearts.

Philippians 3:12-14 says, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do - forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

And I the thing that always hits me is the word 'straining' that Paul uses. He doesn't have all the answers, and he's not perfect, yet he's pressing on with what he does have. Not speed walking. Not jogging. Straining. Running with his all in obedience to the gospel of Christ, and that's how I want to run this race called life. There are always plenty of good things to take up my time and my energy, and I know they're not bad things. But God has a more urgent need - to save a lost world from their sin - and I want to help spread the news of salvation that has been shared with me.

"Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city." [Chris Tomlin]

[what do i know of holy?]

The things I'm learning out here don't fit into an email or a blog - hence I haven't written as much as I was planning. They can't be told in a quick five minute conversation,though, or even an hour-long coffee date. Every time I start to try and re-tell bits and pieces of what I've heard and done and learned it's absolutely impossible, but there's one thing I know for sure. My God is a big God. Sure we sang the song "Great Big God" in junior choir and VBS as a kid, but to sing it and to truly believe it in your heart are two different things. And if there's anything I am guilty of, it's putting God in boxes and limiting Him on what I think He can do.

However, the stories I've heard, the people I've talked to, the difficult and painful lessons I've learned through experience, the wisdom I've gained from others around me and the Scripture I've read and learned from out here have completely changed my view and understanding of the Maker of this universe. Because it's one thing to know a lot about God, yet it's another to obey what you know, and I know I've got a lot to work on in the obedience category.

Through all of the constant learning and growing and being stretched and humbled and challenged again and again, though, I have never felt such a desire to know God more. Maybe it's like running you know? It takes awhile to get your legs back in shape, but once you do it almost becomes addicting and you never want to stop. Ok maybe only I have that problem, but still, you get the point.

The song that continues to hit me in the midst of all this is "What do I know of Holy?" by Addison Road. I am humbled and convicted by the lyrics (see below), and my prayer is that God would continue to show me Who He is and how I can be a part of His plan. I feel like I'm going to leave this summer with more questions than I came with, but Luke 12:31 has been a constant peace on my heart and mind - "Seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."

So as I get down to the last two weeks out here, I realize I don't have the answers to all of life's questions. And I don't have a 50-year plan for post-college. And I don't know exactly how it all applies to my journey through life. But I do serve a God who does, and after watching my view of Him completely blow up this summer, I trust that His plan is a lot better than anything I can come up with.


[what do i know of holy? by Addison Road]

i've made You promises a thousand times
i've tried to hear from heaven, but i talk the whole time
i think i've made You too small
i've never feared You at all
if You touch my face would i know You?
looked into my eyes could i behold You?

but what do i know of You who spoke me in motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are you fire? are you fury? are you sacred? are you beautiful?
so what do i know - what do i know of holy?

i guess i thought that i had figured You out
i knew all the stories and i learned to talk about
how You were mighty to save
but those were only empty words on a page
then i caught a glimpse of who You might be
the slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

what do i know of holy?
what do i know of wounds that will heal my shame
and a God who gave life its name?
what do i know of holy?
of the One who the angels craved
all creation knows Your name
on earth and heaven above
what do i know of this love?

[is it worth it?]

Today I ate lunch with a missionary. We've had the opportunity to do it all week, and this guy spent eight years in Kazakhstan (had to look up the spelling on that one) and many years serving in all kinds of humanitarian aid throughout many countries. But as he told us the story of how he first got interested and then involved in missions, the amount of his knowledge and insight isn't what got me.

It was the fact that he came back to the U.S. for a conference, ended up getting an MRI done for a vision problem, was diagnosed with a brain tumor and rushed into emergency surgery, was given a few months to live, was started on chemotherapy, and then he went back. He went back with a clock ticking away the supposed last days and months of his life. He went back to continue establishing a group of believers and church. He went back while administering chemo to himself. He went back almost dying in the process, yet he went back to Kazakhstan compelled. Compelled to finish what had been started because the gospel of Jesus was worth it. And the best news? The church there is growing on it's own now, and the missionary is currently tumor-free.

Man. There are times when I've wondered if the gospel was worth stepping out of my comfort zone to witness. Or saying no to a night at the college bars. Or choosing God over a serious relationship. But to have a brain tumor, to have a gut instinct that the doctors are giving you less than a year to live and yet still go back to the people you have grown to love because sharing the news of Jesus' love is worth it? That's a whole new challenge that I don't know if I have the guts or faith to answer to. I'd like to yes, but I can't stop putting myself in that position and wondering how I'd react and whether or not God would be glorified in it.

Paul writes in Romans 8:18, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." And my sufferings are pretty small in comparison to the ones that many here have taken-on for the sake of Jesus Christ and His love. That's powerful. That's humbling. That's the kind of follower I want to be someday, and I know I can't get there on my own.

But when God's Word comes alive in our hearts. When God's grace compels us to say yes to things we don't even understand at the time. When God's love completely fills and sustains us - that's when we truly become compelled to share the good news of Jesus Christ. It will never happen full heartedly if we simply feel obligated to respond in obedience to the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). When the gospel of God consumes you, you realize it's worth it, and I'm just starting to get a taste of what that's like.

[why are we bored?]

Today our speaker said boredom is one of the biggest problems with Christians today. We know the basic take-home lessons from the same old stories. We're tired of hearing the same sermons over and over again. We're sick of routine Sundays, routine Bible studies, routine motions of prayer and giving and serving as a Sunday School teacher or board member or volunteer since no one else will.

How do we get the beauty and spark and joy of knowing God back though? I mean, out here I feel like I'm in a spiritual greenhouse. I'm surrounded by people who are passionate about the simple power of the gospel. Excited to grow. Eager to understand God's purpose for their life. Desiring to meet struggles with boldness and willing to live by the standards of the Bible rather than their own ideas of what is right and wrong. For a long time I thought that last thing sounded so restraining too. I've always been a "good" person, but to fully live according to God's desires rather than coming up with my own ideas seemed constraining and suffocating and un.at.trac.tive.

Oh man have I been humbled by the Spirit though. I like to see the Word of God as a refridgerator a lot of times - decide what I'm hungry for and take only what I like. No thanks mayonaise. Yes please chocolate milk. But out here there are so many people who don't choose which books and chapters and verses of the Bible they like and which they don't. They don't just pick out the things that are easy to obey. They go back to it for everything, and they strive to live as God intended us all to, always messing up but also moving forward in His grace.

And the Word seems to be sweeter in the midst of it all. You realize how little you really do know. You see the goodness of God daily. Your mind is opened to bigger and greater things, and it makes you hungry to learn more. It makes you wish you were staying here forever. It makes you want to just keep learning and growing and reaching out to the people of LA.

Instead, however, my question is how to bring this passion for God, this desire to grow, this hunger for more than apathetic boredom back to my home, my friend circles, my church and the international ministry I'm a part of. How do we keep the zeal thriving? How do ignite the fire and power of the gospel in our homes, our communities, our friend circles, our churches and our nation again when it seems that has gone elsewhere in the world?

The average Christian today isn't a white, English speaking, middle-aged man. The average Christian today is non-wealthy, non-white and non-Western. It's a black, African female aged 28, and yet it's easy to forget that people other than European descendents worship the same Jesus. That other countries outside the West send missionaries, even to us. That God's gospel is moving rapidly throughout the world, and that the church is alive and growing in some really cool ways that don't always take the same shape or form of the traditional, Midwestern Lutheran church I grew up in.

Now how do we keep it alive as well in the very places that planted the first seeds of faith in us? How do we keep ourselves reminded that we're never done growing? How do we gain a new thirst for God's Word and realize it is extremely relevant and true and essential to our very lives? How do we get a bigger vision and heart for God's glory beyond our own struggles and questions and doubts? Those are my questions, and I'm guessing if I asked anyone else here they'd say go back to the Word and ask God. A few years ago I would have thought that was nice advice and then thrown it away in exchange for my own idears. But today I think I'll take it. Our Jewish speaker last night said that boys back in the day had to memorize the Torah - the first five books of the Old Testament - by age 10. Well I'm twice that age and then some, so thank goodness I just have to pray for desire and wisdom to read it!