[good intentions failed again]

Do you ever have a love/fail relationship with verses? Philippians 3:8 says, "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." And I love it.

I agree with it wholeheartedly. I want it to be true in every aspect of life.

But truth is, it doesn't take much to distract me. That struck me the other day as we discussed it with the high school youth group. Oh Lord, everything else is rubbish, but...I really want that new pair of shoes because I like them. Nevermind I have many others and haven't given an offering this week. Oh God, everything else is rubbish, but...I would rather go to the ISU football game instead of doing ministry things. Everything else is rubbish, but I got distracted on the internet and wasted all the time I had set aside to read my Bible. The list goes on.

"I consider everything a loss.." yet I cling tightly to the familiar, the easy, the things I love, my humanity. I intellectually agree with the verses, and then real life happens, and my feet, hands and heart fail to follow. 

And you know, the thing that brings me comfort is that Israel had the exact. same. problem. When Moses read the Book of the Covenant to them they responded, "We will do everything the LORD has said; we will obey!" [Exodus 24:7] But when Moses takes longer than their liking on the mountain, they decide to make themselves a golden calf idol instead. 

Or Peter. Jesus predicts his denial, and he responds, never. "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will. . . Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you."  [Matthew 26:33,35] And then he does - all. three. times.

You see, the more I grow in faith, the more I see my humanity, sin and struggle to follow God more clearly. A Chinese friend once asked me, "What about the good people who don't know the God? What happens to them?" And I answered, "Well, God doesn't judge our goodness compared to other people. He judges us compared to Jesus." "Ohhhh then no they're not Jesus," she responded with a shaking head.

Neither am I. Neither are you. And so we nod our heads yes, yes Lord when we like the promises and commands in His word. But every day the devil sets traps all around us, and every day I'm a sucker for them. Distractions. Worry. Impatience. Selfishness. Pride. Greed. The list goes on.

Which is why I also like verses like Psalm 25:15: "My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare." Only He has the way out.

You see, our culture today is obsessed with "how-to's" in 5-10 easy steps. I just Googled that exact phrase and got these results on the first page alone:

-"How to lose 10 pounds in just two weeks!"
-"Five steps to find your inner balance"
-"Five winning ways to grow a savings account"
-"How to clean your room in less time: 5 steps (with pictures)"
-"How to win chess in five moves or less"

But when I tried to apply that idea to sin in my life it didn't work out so well. Instead I have to come back to Christ's defeat, Christ's victory over sin, Christ's sacrifice once and for all. I have to be humbled once again that it's not about what I can do but always about what Christ has done. It's always about His strength and perfection, not mine. And ultimately it's always always always about God, not me.

When I come back to that foundational truth, that is when I can truly say, "everything else is rubbish Lord apart from knowing you." And that's the battle of a lifetime.

[it's good to be "normal" again]

Ahhhh I didn't forget about blogging, and I didn't give up on it. I got engaged, was part of weddings, went to weddings, planned my wedding, spent a week in St. Louis and a week in Texas at conferences, moved cities, continued ministry, got married and somewhere in-between continued to eat, sleep, run and breathe.

And you know, it's been fun. But holy smokes I am glad to settle back into a "normal person" life. A routine of some sort. A weekend free here or there. A living room that isn't full of piles and boxes. A purse that isn't full of "to-do" and "don't forget" lists. A person who's every conversation isn't about a one-day event.

I'm not complaining. Planning our wedding and the day itself were a dream come true. Almost all of the people I love most were in one place at the same time, just once. Never again will we have friends and family from 19 different states and representing 5 different countries witness our vows and share a meal and party together. Never again will I get to wear that beautiful dress and feel like a pampered beauty queen. Never again will we get to make the day truly ours with personal touches and ideas.

We did. We loved planning and scheming for the day. We loved making it our own unique, personalized day. We loved the whole weekend with everyone. We love looking back at pictures that capture the fun, emotions, love, friendship and life that day.

And yet.

For all the hype and beauty of a wedding.

For all the reasons I would definitely go back and do it all over again.

For all the love, fun, emotions and life that day.

I'm glad it's over.

Because now life sets in. Now I'm a normal person again - not defined as a bride. Now the real beauty and work of marriage begins. Now what God designed to last a lifetime replaces the one-time event, and I'm so thankful for Him in it all.

No longer are my prayer times interrupted by thoughts of things I forgot to do. No longer do I drag out of bed because I spent too much time putting together invites or scheming on Etsy the night before. No longer do I sit down to read the Bible but fail to concentrate on anything except passages about love and marriage. And I'm definitely ok with that. 

To future brides that might happen to read this - stay excited about your wedding day. Put your heart into planning and making the day truly yours. Don't get fooled into buying over-priced things or doing things just because you think you have to. Embrace that people are ridiculously excited for you, and it's an incredible time of blessing. (Also! Let them help you when they offer!) 

But fyi - real life afterwards isn't a let down. Because learning about the Lord and your new husband is thee adventure of a lifetime. And if nothing else, I've learned how much I don't know in the last couple months - about God, about marriage, about true love and forgiveness, about just doing life alongside someone. But I love the daily journey of learning and growing without being distracted by details for a one-day event. 

Dear God, thank you for all the blessings of a wedding and that time in my life. But dear God, thank you that real-life has just as much joy and blessing when we look to You as our source. 

[what do hymns and St. Patrick have in common?]

St. Patty's day is comin' up, and I just learned something cool about thee St. Pat. It has nothing to do with lephrachauns, Guinness, the color green or Irish pubs, so peace out now if you're disappointed. If not, stick with me.

My "aha!" moment started with a hymn - "Be Thou My Vision." I'd heard it before, but today it struck me as my Pandora station shuffled through songs. So I searched through the various arrangements on YouTube and liked this one best: [be Thou my vision - chelsea moon] .

Then the history nerd in me came out, and I searched the song's original meaning. It just seemed like a great prayer - to not care about riches, human praise, physical needs, knowledge, worldly success or anything but God's opinion, God's riches, God's wisdom - something I connect with in my heart but end up straddling the line between every day. Between sold-out devotion to God and yet attraction to the world's treasures. Between desiring to please only Him yet still seeking affirmation from others. You know. Being human.

Then I stumbled upon story after story of the guy behind the song. Curious? St. Patrick. Thee St. Patrick. Thee original dude who's name people get dressed up in green for, drink green beer for, throw cabbages and leftover Marti Grai beads at parades for if you're in Biloxi, Mississippi five spring breaks ago. No joke here's proof:

But the original St. Patrick was far from this. Turns out he was a missionary, and this was a hymn written about the time he put his life on the line defying the king of Ireland. It was the night before Easter, and King Logaire had ordered no candles could be lit before he lit a fire on Slane Hill to signify the start of a pagan spring festival. St. Patrick lit candles anyway, and the king let him live. 

Turns out his royal highness was so impressed by Patrick's courage and devotion that he let the missionary continue his work instead of putting him to death. A few centuries later, a monk wrote the hymn to honor Patrick's actions/faith that night.

Pretty sweet eh? Lighting a few candles doesn't seem like a huge, gigantic, superhero, overly-spiritual kind of action, but the fact that his life was on the line means a whole different thing. Pretty awesome. And God gets the glory when the king recognizes Patrick's devotion, concludes he must be following Someone pretty important, yields and spares his life. 

Reminds me of Esther's story in the Bible. Reminds me God does His best work in the impossibles. And motivates me to pray "Lord be my vision." Not my success. Not my gain. Not my acceptance. Not my perfect, easy, comfortable life or that things work my way, but God and God's glory alone. 

[what to pray?]

Many people have asked me what I prayed last Wednesday. Had the opportunity to give an opening prayer before the Iowa House of Representatives and the Senate, and wow, that was my same question. What do you pray?

It started in December. I got a call from my dad's first cousin, Steve Olson, asking if I'd give an opening prayer to the Iowa legislators on January 16. He has served in the Iowa House for District 83 since he was first elected in 2002, and he was in-charge of finding a "Pastor of the Day" for that opening Wednesday.

I asked him if he had the right number. He laughed, told me he wanted to find someone close to Des Moines in-case of bad weather and let me know the specifics. It had to be 60-90 seconds long, sensitive to other faiths and was limited to just prayer. Told him I was honored and humbled, and though hesitant about the sensitive part, said yes.

After talking with others, praying about it and a long seven-mile run one weekend, I decided to pray in the name of Jesus and focus on truth versus offending people.

Lastly, I led a Bible study with friends from China, Korea, Iraq and Brazil the day before. The minute I said "Amen" at the end of our prayer to close the study, one of the Chinese women exclaimed, "Peace! You prayed for peace. My mother told me to look for the peace and that is where I would find the God." With that fresh on my heart, I added peace.

The next day, I took my notes, asked God for confidence and prayed approximately this:

"Father God, I thank You for the opportunity to be here this morning and to ask for Your presence, peace and blessing in this place. I thank You that Your Word says all authority on earth has ultimately been established by You. I also thank You that because of this, we are called to obey and submit to our leaders so that their work will be a joy and not a burden. 

Father I thank You for these men and women and pray that You'd give them diligence, wisdom and discernment in the coming weeks and months as they sort through many possible agenda items. I pray You would help them to know only what You've called them to do, only what You've asked of them, and that that is enough.

And God ultimately I pray that You would be known and glorified here. Because our governments and states and countries will eventually fade, but You remain. Lead, guide, protect and bless them Father, and make me, make us, faithful in praying for them throughout the coming days and weeks ahead. We ask for Your peace. We look to You in all things, and we pray this all in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

Thankful and humbled for the opportunity, and praying He continues to answer this and many other prayers for our government in the coming weeks and months.

[change-up]

To whom this may concern:

I started a new blog - [everyday Easter] - based off the April entry that a lot of people continue to mention to me - [i need Easter for today, not just eternity] .

I feel like a blog should be shorter, updated more often and have a kind of theme rather than random thoughts. I may still keep this up though. Check it out, and stay tuned!

[faith for more than me]

Whoops guess who got caught up in life and forgot about this. Guilty as charged.

But God has been soaking something into my heart lately that I wanted to share. It's about faith. We've been studying Hebrews 11 (the "by-faith" chapter) the last month or so in my small group, and the other night as we wrapped it up, God showed me that the faith of the people listed was not just about them.

I mean, sure Abraham was given faith that enabled him to drop everything he owned, everything he knew, everything secure, and go "to the land I (God) will show you." Sounds nuts even today, and we live in the information-overload-I-can-learn-it-all-online-thanks-internet world.

And sure David was given faith and courage for many things. Same with all the other heroes listed in the chapter. Their assignments weren't easy. Their victories? Irrational. Their instructions, almost humorous if you think about receiving them in today's context:

"Take out the largest giant you've ever seen with a marshmallow shooter David."  Love, God.

"Build a boat that's 100 feet longer than an American football field and half the width. Fyi: you can't hide this in your garage or tool shed Noah."      Love, God.

"Rebuke everyone around you for their sin against Me Jeremiah. Let them know My wrath is coming, and it's going to be bad. You probably won't need a cell phone, Facebook or Gmail after this because you won't have many if any friends, but don't worry!"     Love, God.

Uh thank you? We read their stories in hindsight and assume we'd be able to say yes, but put them in today's context, and I'm guessing most of us would run the other way. I'd probably laugh first, then run. Like Jonah. Don't. Pick. Me.

But God did pick them. God did use them. And what He showed me last week was that their faith was not just about them. Sure He gave them faith and power to believe and do hard, impossible things, but that wasn't the end of His work. God gave them faith to carry out what He called them to do, yes. But He also used their faith to work through them to others and for His glory.

Take Moses and the Red Sea. Israel has just been divinely delivered from slavery in Egypt. They're on their way to the promised land when Pharaoh changes his mind and sends his troops after them. Ahead is the Red Sea. Behind are the Egyptian forces.

God's response? Raise your staff Moses. The waters will part, and you'll walk through.

God's promise? "I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD."   [Exodus 14:4]

The result? The Egyptians follow them into the Red Sea and are swallowed by the waters after Israel reaches the other side safely.

The purpose beyond just Moses' and Israel's faith? The fulfillment of exactly what God had promised about gaining glory for Himself. Check out the prostitute Rahab's testimony decades later: "We have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt . . . When we heard of it, our hearts melted and everyone's courage failed because of you, for the LORD your God is God in heaven above and on the earth below."   [Joshua 2:10-11]

God's sole aim wasn't their freedom from Egypt and miraculous crossing of the Red Sea. It wasn't only about their own faith and trust in Him at the time. Through their freedom, through their faith, He made Himself known as God, the only God, and gained glory and worship that is still being read about and learned today.

So if God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, then I have to ask myself what His aim of my faith is. Sure, I wish I trusted Him more, remembered to pray instead of worry so much, had more patience and less pride - the list goes on because I'd like more faith for me. But if me, myself and I am the end of the faith I desire, then I think I'll miss out on what God wants to do. And I think you will too.

Can it be true that God desires to use our faith for much greater things than just our own peace, joy, comfort, salvation and faith? Can we dare to look beyond ourselves in our self-absorbed world that's all about my pleasure, my pain, my comfort, my dreams, my money, my wants, my needs, my space, my have-to-haves? Can we dare to believe that God is capable of using our faith not just for our faith's sake?

I think so. I really do. Simply because that's who He is. Simply because I believe we are not the end of anything we are given whether it's money, relationships, time, talents, gifts, even trials and struggles. And I'm learning the same goes for faith.

[who's attention are You trying to get?]

A few weeks ago there was an apartment fire in my city that destroyed the homes of several international friends. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I spent a lot of time feeling sad and sorry for my friends the day it happened.

As I was dwelling on it and riding my bike home that night, though, I looked up from the path before me into the most beautiful sunset. The brilliant mix of colors was beyond a Crayola box of 64, and the clouds seemed to dance and float across the sky reflecting them. In that moment, these verses from Psalm 50 came to mind:

"The Mighty One, God, the LORD,

speaks and summons the earth

from the rising of the sun to the place where it sets.

From Zion, perfect in beauty,

God shines forth.

Our God comes and will not be silent;"

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets. Our God comes and will not be silent. Wow.

Immediately I was reminded of my run a month ago through the cornfields and gravel roads of home. I had forgotten my headphones, so it ended up being six miles of prayer time and mind wandering, but as I looked around me at the sun-scorched crops that day, I couldn't help asking myself, "Whose attention are you trying to get God?"

To say it's been a dry year is an understatement. Very little snow this winter. Very little rain this summer. Corn turning brown in July like it was October - killing itself from the bottom up. Plants looking pretty parched. Creeks looking pretty sandy. Temps always way too hot and sunny without rain to refresh the earth.

But as I ran that day and looked at the scorched, thirsty crops, I was reminded that God was in control. That only He could "tip over the water jars of the heavens" (Job 38:37-38). That even when a farmer does everything else perfectly, they are still at the mercy of things beyond their control. But in that moment of helplessness, there is also a beautiful opportunity for faith to develop. And isn't that what it's ultimately all about anyway?

Our attention. That's what God wants more than anything else. And I'm learning He'll do whatever it takes to re-focus our hearts and eyes back to Him who gave us them in the first place. 

For some it takes a fire that destroys the temporary things of this world. For others it's a dry year where one's income, needs and livelihood are at the mercy of mother nature. For me? It was homesickness in South Africa. It was watching things I found my identity in crumble before me. It is now finding myself in a job where I have no choice but to depend on God for things I can't control, things I don't know, love and patience I don't have, difficult and painful situations I can't fix.

And though it often takes the hard things in life to finally look to God for strength and help, isn't it cool that He's gracious enough to give us those things? I mean, He loves us enough to allow hard things in life to happen - even though painful - because He ultimately wants to draw us back to Himself, the One who was before the world began and will still be around when the world ends. The One who made us in His image, bought our lives back on the cross and loves us as we come. The One who is so passionate about His glory and His people that He will not be silent. He will not stop pursuing us. He will not stop reminding us Who is in control and Who has the strength and wisdom to carry us through all things we face.

This is true grace, my friends, if we really stop to consider it. God loves us enough not to leave us where we are. And ultimately, more than happiness or easyness of life or simplicity, He wants our hearts, our worship and our love. And He will do whatever it takes to get our attention.

Super humbled by this. Super grateful. And praying I would continue to see His grace in all things. That both the good and bads of life are an invitation to once again put my faith and trust in Him who holds all things, knows all things, works in all things and has life under control when it seems chaotic and broken and overwhelming and hard from my perspective in the moment.