[the things i couldn't capture]

The last four weeks, I've been on a sprint across the world. Literally.

Spent five days in Thailand, one week in Taiwan and one week in China visiting both native and American friends. Went to reunite, learn more about their countries and bring back fresh perspective to better serve internationals here.

Then off to St. Louis to help lead a week-long Bible seminar with others from Egypt, Ethiopia, China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, South Korea and the states. Four weeks of whirlwind schedules, traveling and many new friends, but good weeks. Fun. Humbling. Exhausting. Challenging. Blessed.

And even though I tried to take pictures, I feel they don't really do justice to the best parts of my adventures. The most beautiful places could not be contained by a simple Samsung camera, and there were so many things that won't be captured by any camera.

Like smells. You can't capture those. Smells of food vendors, fresh meats, fried foods and ripe (even smelly durian) fruits freshly cut.

Or heat - from the weather, from the grills, from the people all around and the cars weaving in and out of crazy traffic. From the life that simply makes up a city - a place where the lights seem to be always on, the horns always honking, the people always out.

You can't capture people's mannerisms or language or accents or genuine laughter. You can't capture a drive through Taiwan's mountains singing along to old American tunes your friends learned while living in the states. Or my blunders at Chinese. Or the funny way a word like "sluggish" becomes a joke that makes you laugh every time with new friends from Nanjing. Or a ridiculous dance.

And conversation starters like this in a country where people are told there's no God are impossible:

She said: I hear you work at a church.
I said: Yeah, I do.
She said: I had a Christian roommate in college. She was the best person I knew, and I wanted to learn about Christians because of her.
I said: Yeah?
She said: Yeah. But my stepmom also says she's a Christian and goes to that place every Sunday.
I said: Church? Where Christians meet to worship?
She said: Yeah that place. But she's not a good person. So I decided I didn't want to learn about Christians anymore. When I used to study the Bible and learn about Christians I had peace. Now I have no peace, and I know I am lost. I think you know how to find it again.

Wow. Talk about an opportunity straight from the Lord. 

What about helping another Chinese friend proofread her testimony before getting baptized? Or spending time in prayer with fellow Thai brothers and sisters who understand what losing one's life to save it means? To often give up family, friends and cultural acceptance to follow Christ?

You don't take pictures while worshipping with believers in home churches that are techically illegal. You can't take pictures of uplifting prayer, humbling stories, the image of God in others or the beauty of sweet conversations about life, joy, grace and Jesus.

Most of all, I couldn't take pictures of the lessons God taught me. Lessons about His power and authority in the world. Lessons that reminded me He's in-charge, and He's got this. I tend to get stressed, frantic and overwhelmed about all the needs in such a broken world, but God reminded me He's not stressed, frantic or overwhelmed.

He's done this before - softened hard hearts, broken hard ground, met needs, preserved the persecuted, answered the cry for justice, worked through the broken to reach the broken. He's the one whose name is on the line here, not mine, and I'm learning He works best in the impossibles.

There's a lot of things I don't have figured out. There's a lot of questions I don't have answers to. But after the last four weeks, I have full confidence that I'm following a God who does. A hectice four weeks. An exhausting four weeks. But an incredible four weeks that taught me much about living and loving, God and people, hope and courage. Humbled, thankful and truly blessed.

[i need Easter for today, not just eternity]

Today's Easter - a day of hope and celebration. A day for rejoicing in Jesus' victory over death. A day for the return of alleluias and remembering the open tomb.

But more than assurance for eternity, God's showing me an even sweeter message of Easter this year. The last 11 months have been hard transitioning from school to ministry. How to balance my time, relationships, personal life, to-do lists and opportunities best is a challenge. How to not lose my identity in Christ by becoming busy for Christ has been tempting. And how to absorb the reality of the world's pain and crap has been the hardest.

But that's what God's showing me about Easter this year. Ultimately Jesus defeated death that Sunday morn, yet more than that, He also gave us a resurrection hope for every day of our lives. If every sin was defeated that day, then every day is Easter. Every day those who are in Christ declare victory over sin - both our own and the effects of others' on us - because the wrath of God has been forever satisfied.

The depression, loneliness and grief? We have victory over that because of Christ. The heartaches, mental diseases and cancers of life? Defeated. What about the unending questions after a suicide? Or the kid who's dad took off? Or the woman questioning her worth and value after years of abuse? Or the reality that we continue to do the things we don't want to do and fail to do what we want to do?

Can we really believe Jesus absorbed that pain and sin too? Can we believe God aches with us in the brokenness of humanity? Can we trust that we have victory over Satan's attempts to tear us down, belittle our value, immerse us in defeat and hold us there? Can we still find confidence in Psalm 27:13 - that we will see the goodness of God in the land of the living?

I mean, hope sounds great when I read and talk about it. And then someone comes to me with an injustice of life, and I'm supposed to tell them it will all be ok? They're at the foot of Mt. Everest with no shoes, food, backpack or water, and all I have to offer is flip flops. I'm supposed to hand them my flip flops anyway and send them on their merry way God? I'm supposed to trust that that will be enough?

"That's crap," was my first response. But as I've wrestled that out with the Lord this year, I have come to learn that in all things I can pray, and in all things I can point them to the resurrection where God didn't just defeat death but also sin and it's effects in the present form here and now. That He also triumphed over anxiety, depression, abuse, anger, grief, identity issues, doubt, injustice and pain that day. Pointing people to the open tomb is what it's about.

No, I don't think God's only intent was to save us for eternity that Easter morn so many centuries ago. I also believe He saved us from ourselves and this world here and now. We can live amongst the pain and crap and yet declare victory over all things unjust, all things ugly, all things sin in both us and others because of the resurrection. We can watch as He persistantly and steadily redeems the earth and its people to their original image after Him. We can find our confidence not in what we have to give but in what He's already done to make things right.

These are the truths I find sweetest today. This is what Easter's about. Christ rose so that those who believe in Him may one day live with God, yes, but Christ also rose so we can live right now, in 2012, - both fully and freely. I don't know about you, but I need Easter for today, and I'm going to need it for tomorrow. Praise God Easter is not just about eternity.

[israel]

Paul asks in Colossians 1:9-10 for God to fill his audience with the knowledge of His will in order that they "may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way." How so? Here's the list:

-bearing fruit in good works
-growing in one's knowledge of God
-being strengthened with His power to enable endurance and patience
-joyfully giving thanks to God who has qualified us to share in His Kingdom

The list translated? Blessing. Blessing. Blessing. Blessing.

Funny how that works. That knowledge and obedience to God's will and Word ushers in blessing, yet often we see it as sacrificial, taxing, noble, "super-spiritual". Like we struggle and wrestle with God when we should be embracing the blessing. Like we think that what we have by picking and choosing which commands we like is so much better than anything He could possibly give through utter obedience. Like we pat ourselves on the back for making noble allegiances to God or singing songs about surrendering it all, but in reality we cling tightly to our plans, our dreams, our desires, our strategies, our rational, our traditions and our appetites for the world's treasure.

I laugh so easy and yet struggle so much with these same things. And I realize that God did good naming Israel "Israel". Real good. One who wrestles with God. The identity we have all inherited.

[counting my 1,000]

I recently finished the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. So good. I mean, it's easy to read a book, put it down, say it was "the best", and then forget what it was even about by next week. Been there. Done that.

But this one was different because it had something practical attached. As I read about Voskamp's journey with her list, I started making my own with 1,000 gifts/things I loved. Right now I'm only at 235, but it has been a fun and humbling adventure so far.

84. the character of old buildings

107. laughing about nonsense

138. the way a meal brings people together

161. that a dead, frozen, brown earth comes alive again every spring

212. witnessing people do what they love

226. bare feet on soft earth

That last one is a lot like reading this book, too. As I walked barefoot across the park Saturday, I realized my sense of awareness was heightened while I kept an eye out for sticks, dog poop and rocks. But in that awareness, I also felt more things. I slowed down. I actually noticed I have a sense of touch. And this is precisely what Voskamp writes about - embracing the all of every moment and seeing it as grace.

There are many things I want to take away, but for now, I am going to just let it soak in that God is good. God is extravagant. God is real. God is present. God is in the midst of details and darkness and light and even mundane. He is to be experienced and loved and worshipped.

God is a bad banker - exchanging bankruptcy for bottomless checking. Not only cancelling our debt but filling our savings. He is life and meaning and purpose, and I don't think words do Him justice a lot of times. But truthfully, I think that's ok. Because I'm learning that that's what God's about sometimes - leaving people speechless. Quieting our noise.

It's an adventure you know. A crazy adventure and a mystery and a story and a beautiful ride, and though I know not what's ahead, I crave to see what He unwraps.

[no need for religion]

The last few days I've had several surprising conversations with friends about religion, and it seems to me that no one likes it. Truthfully, I have to say I agree.

Religion makes life into a list of "dos" and "don'ts".

It stuffs our ideas of a higher power into a being who is distant, unapproachable, and disinterested in our day-to-day affairs.

Religion traps people in indifference. You don't need to experience God, for routine will do the trick.

It's conditional.

It's monotonous.

It's ever so boring and brainless and unstimulating and emotionless and why do we need to let religion affect us when our physical needs are provided for, we have plenty of dreams for our lives and frankly, we're quite short on time these days.

As I was visiting with an international friend, I realized that the belief system she was raised in only offered this. God showed me that intellect, culture and routine only go so far in comparing religions, for at the end of the day, you can know everything and still have no faith in anything.

But testifying to a relationship with a God who is not distant? That's my witness. Speaking about a God I can meet with and experience and wrestle with and return love to? Sharing a personal struggle and how God walks me through that and slowly changes my heart to see it as He sees it? Those things are my witness too.

We could debate all night and day about the differences between religions. And there are just as many as there are similarities. But something you cannot debate is personal testimony, when someone shares how they've experienced a relationship with God that is not founded on fear or culture or rights or trying to please and appease a holy God.

Truth is, I never will. Truth is, God knew we never could. And that leads us to the cross where the world's relationship with God is forever, radically changed.

I don't think religion has done a whole lot for this world. It traps us in culture. Traps us in routine. Traps us in fear about what others think of us and whether we've measured up to God's standards.

But God? He's not about any of that. In Christ, we are made right before Him. We are loved as we come, cherished as a son or daughter, freed from self-condemnation and all the sin that entangles us.

Can we believe God doesn't want our religion? Our worship attendance? Our thin love? Our charity? Our can drives? Our cheap wall hangings? Our committee meeting hours? Our service hours? Our hypocrisy? Can we believe there is something more to God than a simply a list of "do's" and "don'ts"?

"Rend your heart and not your garments," the prophet Joel wrote to a culture where sorrow was outwardly shown by tearing your clothes. "Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love." [joel 2:13]

Gracious. Compassionate. Slow to anger. Abounding in love. Let those soak in.

God doesn't need our religion world. No one does. No one seems to like it. But I am convinced we need a relationship with Him. I'm convinced He desires that and wants to meet us where we are now so we can experience Him in a way religion will never allow. That He wants to walk through life beside us - sometimes coaxing on, sometimes slamming doors shut that we liked open, sometimes carrying us when our feet refuse to go, sometimes just being present. But always present. Always fighting for us. Let us not refuse the invitation.

[if Peter were a college student]

Yesterday I was studying the story of Gethsemane with a Chinese friend, and something really struck me. I have read that story countless times throughout the years, but it hit me in humorous and grave ways that the disciples were sleeping while Jesus was in agony.

Check out Matthew 26:35 first. Jesus tells Peter that he will deny Him three times before the rooster crows, but Peter insists he will never do that. "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you," he claims.

Yet what happens in the verses following? He and the other disciples fall asleep when Jesus asks them to keep watch. Not once. Not twice, but three times they doze off. Jesus is gripped with agony knowing what lies ahead. He has warned them to keep watch and pray so that they do not fall into temptation. He has warned Peter before this that He will fall to temptation by betraying His Lord, and what do they do in response? They fall asleep! Why? "Because their eyes were heavy" [Matt. 26:43].

Peter's my favorite. This isn't the first time he makes bold claims and fails to live up to them. And it's not the last.

Earlier on in his discipleship, Jesus calls him to walk on water [Matt. 14:25-33]. Peter slips for lack of faith. There's his betrayal of Jesus in the hour most needed - the most remembered "stain", if you will call it, on Peter's transcript [Luke 22:54-62]. And later at Antioch, Peter is called out for having a double standard with Jews and Gentiles [Gal. 2:11-21] even though he is the one who declares to fellow Jews that Jesus died and rose for Gentiles too [Acts 10, 15].

If Peter were a college student today, I think we'd be friends. "I'll never do that God," I declared coming to college. "Not me. You know I have no intentions of getting involved in those things. I'm on the straight and narrow. I love you. I won't even let those things tempt me." And I think there are others out there who can nod their head at this too.

Then college arrives, and there are party invitations. People don't attach meaning to your last name. There's freedom. There's relationships. There's choices. And it's in those times of choices that you find out where your heart is really at. "Oh Lord I'd never do that!" becomes a pretty weak statement when you realize you are also human and full of desires you didn't know you had and tempted in both mind and body to do things you insisted you would never ever do.

With this reality in mind, you've gotta love Jesus' statement in Luke 22:31-32: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Simon, Simon, you will fail, but I pray you will know the grace that catches you when you repent. Simon, Simon, in the midst of seeing your failure, you will see my goodness that much more. I pray you turn back. I pray you are even stronger because of your failure.

Truth is, we don't really understand the gospel until we see our utter failure to live up to who we think we are and who we want to be. I do the things I don't want to do and the things I want to do I don't do [Romans 7:14-20]. This is reality my friends, and it is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we see the cross for what it is. Peter did that, and this is why I like him.

He understood the reality of his sin. He recklessly failed many times. He fell far short of living up to who he thought he was. And by God's grace, after Peter repented and turned back and stopped depending on his strength or will power, God did incredible things through him to take the gospel to the nations.

This is the Bible. This is the gospel. This is what Christianity is to be about. Not perfect or holy or do-good people. Broken, failed, redeemed people. This is me, and I praise God for the utter failures in my life [both those that have passed and those to come] because it reminds me Who this is all really about.

"Not me God. I'd never do that," we claim. But I urge you to be careful of those words. I said them and found myself looking back and realizing I was sleeping when I should have been praying, just like Peter in Gethsemane. Yet when we turn back, when we repent, God uses the reality of our brokenness to shine His glory through us that much more. This is a beautiful gospel of redemption and restoration. May we all see the Peter in us, and from that, come alive to the goodness of God and His grace.

[dear God]

Dear God,

It's Valentine's Day, and as a single woman, I feel like there are two approaches I can take. Either I'm a hater of all things love or the overly optimistic one people also hate.

But what if I'm neither? What if I have no need to voice my opinion about Valentine's Day via Twitter or bookface? What if it's really ok just to be single and know that love isn't left up to one day of the year or a boy/girl couple relationship? I feel like You're ok with that too, God. I know that the love you offer is a lot more complete and fulfilling and lasting and faithful than this world even knows, and I'm ok simply soaking that in today.

Boy we sure get wrapped up in a lot of fleeting things. They're fun, sure. They're adventurous, sure. They're romantic, sure. But they're also temporary and sometimes leave us more empty by the end. Thanks for being eternal God. Thanks for being faithful. I'd take a guy after Your own heart any day, but I also know that my deepest desires are only ever going to be fulfilled by You.

Love,
Hannah