[if Peter were a college student]

Yesterday I was studying the story of Gethsemane with a Chinese friend, and something really struck me. I have read that story countless times throughout the years, but it hit me in humorous and grave ways that the disciples were sleeping while Jesus was in agony.

Check out Matthew 26:35 first. Jesus tells Peter that he will deny Him three times before the rooster crows, but Peter insists he will never do that. "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you," he claims.

Yet what happens in the verses following? He and the other disciples fall asleep when Jesus asks them to keep watch. Not once. Not twice, but three times they doze off. Jesus is gripped with agony knowing what lies ahead. He has warned them to keep watch and pray so that they do not fall into temptation. He has warned Peter before this that He will fall to temptation by betraying His Lord, and what do they do in response? They fall asleep! Why? "Because their eyes were heavy" [Matt. 26:43].

Peter's my favorite. This isn't the first time he makes bold claims and fails to live up to them. And it's not the last.

Earlier on in his discipleship, Jesus calls him to walk on water [Matt. 14:25-33]. Peter slips for lack of faith. There's his betrayal of Jesus in the hour most needed - the most remembered "stain", if you will call it, on Peter's transcript [Luke 22:54-62]. And later at Antioch, Peter is called out for having a double standard with Jews and Gentiles [Gal. 2:11-21] even though he is the one who declares to fellow Jews that Jesus died and rose for Gentiles too [Acts 10, 15].

If Peter were a college student today, I think we'd be friends. "I'll never do that God," I declared coming to college. "Not me. You know I have no intentions of getting involved in those things. I'm on the straight and narrow. I love you. I won't even let those things tempt me." And I think there are others out there who can nod their head at this too.

Then college arrives, and there are party invitations. People don't attach meaning to your last name. There's freedom. There's relationships. There's choices. And it's in those times of choices that you find out where your heart is really at. "Oh Lord I'd never do that!" becomes a pretty weak statement when you realize you are also human and full of desires you didn't know you had and tempted in both mind and body to do things you insisted you would never ever do.

With this reality in mind, you've gotta love Jesus' statement in Luke 22:31-32: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Simon, Simon, you will fail, but I pray you will know the grace that catches you when you repent. Simon, Simon, in the midst of seeing your failure, you will see my goodness that much more. I pray you turn back. I pray you are even stronger because of your failure.

Truth is, we don't really understand the gospel until we see our utter failure to live up to who we think we are and who we want to be. I do the things I don't want to do and the things I want to do I don't do [Romans 7:14-20]. This is reality my friends, and it is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we see the cross for what it is. Peter did that, and this is why I like him.

He understood the reality of his sin. He recklessly failed many times. He fell far short of living up to who he thought he was. And by God's grace, after Peter repented and turned back and stopped depending on his strength or will power, God did incredible things through him to take the gospel to the nations.

This is the Bible. This is the gospel. This is what Christianity is to be about. Not perfect or holy or do-good people. Broken, failed, redeemed people. This is me, and I praise God for the utter failures in my life [both those that have passed and those to come] because it reminds me Who this is all really about.

"Not me God. I'd never do that," we claim. But I urge you to be careful of those words. I said them and found myself looking back and realizing I was sleeping when I should have been praying, just like Peter in Gethsemane. Yet when we turn back, when we repent, God uses the reality of our brokenness to shine His glory through us that much more. This is a beautiful gospel of redemption and restoration. May we all see the Peter in us, and from that, come alive to the goodness of God and His grace.

[dear God]

Dear God,

It's Valentine's Day, and as a single woman, I feel like there are two approaches I can take. Either I'm a hater of all things love or the overly optimistic one people also hate.

But what if I'm neither? What if I have no need to voice my opinion about Valentine's Day via Twitter or bookface? What if it's really ok just to be single and know that love isn't left up to one day of the year or a boy/girl couple relationship? I feel like You're ok with that too, God. I know that the love you offer is a lot more complete and fulfilling and lasting and faithful than this world even knows, and I'm ok simply soaking that in today.

Boy we sure get wrapped up in a lot of fleeting things. They're fun, sure. They're adventurous, sure. They're romantic, sure. But they're also temporary and sometimes leave us more empty by the end. Thanks for being eternal God. Thanks for being faithful. I'd take a guy after Your own heart any day, but I also know that my deepest desires are only ever going to be fulfilled by You.

Love,
Hannah

[as i am running]

I think God is trying to teach me something about going lately. Yesterday I was reading about Jesus healing a blind man and got stuck on the phrase "as he went along" [John 9:1], and today I noticed in the Good Samaritan story that the Samaritan stopped to help the beat-up man "as he traveled" [Luke 10:33]. Sure there were destinations they were heading to, but the journey was also an opportunity for ministry, and they didn't miss out.

This is convicting for me because truthfully, I'd love to be overseas right now sharing the gospel. When I first heard that one-third of the world has little or zero exposure to Jesus or the Bible, I immediately signed up to be one of the go-ers. I like adventure. I loved living overseas before. I'm young. I don't have a family to take care of yet. I don't have a lot of material things tying me down here. I'm physically capable. Prime time right? All signs point to yes 'cept God's.

And His is the one that counts.

So instead I am here in Ames working with international students. And don't get me wrong, I am really really blessed. Truly blessed. I get to meet people from many different countries. I get to rest in the comforts of my own culture and language. I get to be close to family and friends. I have incredible people to work with, and I get paid to do this. Wow. So blessed.

But there is still a desire in my heart to go overseas, and I stand guilty of accusing God He doesn't know what He's doing by asking how long til I can go. How long God? I'm ready. I said send me. Next week sound good? Alrighty. I'll get my bags packed!

However, I am learning that has also become a great stumbling block for me. So much of my heart yearns to go overseas that I can easily miss the opportunities God has given me here on the way. On the journey. As I am running. I thought that was a good title since this blog is about the race of life, and I'm realizing that my faithfulness to God is what matters more than the exact places I live or what my job title is.

So as I am running God, would you remind me that You don't need me to accomplish Your purposes? As I am running God, would you keep me humbled? As I am running, would you remind me that my best efforts and intentions are nothing without Your presence? As I am running, would you keep my eyes on the Christ who both began and finished this race we're in, so that above all else, I would put worship before work and love before service? That I may love You for Your own sake, for Your goodness, for Your majesty, and not for what You can do for me.

[keeping first things first]

This post is from my dad. He truthfully hasn't ever really used a computer. His version of email is sitting down with one of us kids or my mom and telling us what to type.

And I don't think he'll actually ever make time to learn because good old fashioned pen and paper still do the trick in keeping farm records and keeping up with people. I like that about him. No one writes hand-written notes anymore. But whether it's some Eden-township humor or a word of sincere encouragement, everything from him is personally written, stamped (sometimes obnoxiously) and delivered via UPS.

Here's a passage from one of his often-quoted and used books, though, that I like and wanted to pass on. It's by John Gile in "Keeping First Things First":

"Many people have much higher callings than they realize
but live on much lower levels than they should.

Our perceptions determine our attitudes,
and our attitudes increase or diminish the joy we experience and give to others.

Men and women in every walk of life seek fulfillment.
But fulfillment isn't something we get from our work.
It is something we bring to it.

Fulfillment isn't found in what we do,
but in why we do it."

I like the last sentence best. Good stuff I do say.

[finished with the cross]

Sometimes you gotta just return to the gospel. Return to the cross. Return to the basic "meat and potatoes" of your faith and get your fill.

Last night I did that. Spent a couple hours studying Romans 7:7-25, and man, that is not a feel good chapter. But it's humbling. It puts you back in the reality of your fallen self. It reminds me once again that my desires and my actions do not always match up, and there is no escape from that.

Sin is mentioned at least 17 times and is often used with verbs in that passage. It's active. It seizes opportunities to manifest itself (vs. 8 & 11). It deceives (v. 11). It enslaves (vs. 14 & 25). It is living in all of us, and we cannot exterminate or wipe it out in this lifetime (v. 17, 20 & 23).

Additionally, the law is described as spiritual (v. 14), holy (v. 12), good (v. 16) and God's (v. 22). Just because the commandments and law condemn us and our inability to keep them, doesn't make them bad or wrong or unspiritual. Instead, it causes us to see sin as just that -sin. As "utterly sinful" (v. 13).

Utterly sinful. Funny when you think about that word. Is it that we don't understand the meaning of sin? Is it that we don't take the word seriously? Is it that we believe God is only gracious and not just? Is it that we excuse away the black and white in favor of a gray - "it's not as bad as (fill in the blank)"? I'd like to suggest all of the above and more. We like to think the best of people. We already think the best of ourselves. And it's much easier to believe good people receive good rewards in the next life for being kind and nice and honest here on earth.

But this is our great error. Good people are. not. free. from. sin. Christians are. not. free. from. sin. When you believe in Christ and become a Christian, you don't watch your problems disappear. Instead, you actually begin to see the battles within yourself more and more clearly, and you struggle with that war and tension between what you know and what you do.

However! There is good news my friends. Check out Romans 8:1, the next verse after the passage I studied. "Therefore" it starts. Notice that's a transition word. In light of all that has come before, now the writer wants to make a statement. Therefore, because of what was written before and now that you understand - "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Therefore, even though we will struggle forever on this earth between what we know we should do and what we actually do, God is good enough and gracious enough and merciful enough to create a way we can be freed from drowning in fallen humanity for eternity. And He's done it without any aid on our part. This is the rescue mission of Jesus Christ.

Let's pretend it's a movie. Adam and Eve come on the scene. Life is perfect and how it should be. Man is made perfect in God's image and display that for the world to see. Sin enters because of humans. The law enters to help humans return to a right relationship with God. Sin goes crazy at work in the hearts of men to degrade them based on this law, though, and to trick and trap and seize their lives. God unfolds a counter-attack and sends Jesus to live and die and conquer death three days later. I've got Denzel Washington's voice in my head from the movie "Remember the Titans". He's talking to the other coaches about not letting up even after a tragic car accident with one of the team leaders, but he doesn't let anything stop him. "I'm a winner," he says. "I'm going to win."

This is the gospel we are all invited to daily. A winning one. A grace-filled one. A tragic one when we understand our condition, but a beautiful one when we realize God never left us there helpless. He continued with the "therefore" and finished with the cross. Price has been paid. Ransom made. Rescue complete.

[oceans]

Three days ago my small group studied Hebrews 2:1-4, and I am still trying to put into words my thoughts and lessons learned from that. Talking it out usually doesn't work and hasn't, so I shall try my hand at writing.

It was about drifting. Drifting away from the Lord. Either we're pushing on in the grace of the cross or we're drifting away from Him. There is no standing still in faith because the world isn't a quiet lake. It's a raging ocean.

That reminds me of that time I tried surfing once. We were in San Diego learning about tribal missions, and our speaker was also a legit surfer. He took us to the beach in the afternoons, and I learned pretty quick that it is much harder than it looks after getting owned before I even got out into the waves. I'd take two steps forward and the water would push the gigantic surf board and I back one. Then I'd take three steps forward and the waves would push me back two. On and on it went until I finally got beyond the shore, but by then, I was exhausted and simply wanted to float on the board rather than attempt to catch a wave.

Exhaustion. I remember Oswald Chambers wrote about that once. He talked about spiritual exhaustion coming from serving and people relying on you instead of Christ for truth, and man, I feel that this semester. But I like Chambers because he doesn't leave us there feeling sorry for ourselves.

"Has the way in which you have been serving God betrayed you into exhaustion?," Chambers wrote. "If so, then rally your affections. Where did you start the service from? From your own sympathy or from the basis of the Redemption of Jesus Christ? Continually go back to the foundation of your affections and recollect where the source of power is. You have no right to say - 'O Lord, I am so exhausted.' He saved and sanctified you in order to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember your supply comes from Him. 'All my fresh springs shall be in Thee.'" [My Utmost For His Highest]

And that last sentence is the key of all my rambling don't you think? When God tells us to spend time with Him in the Word, prayer, fellowship, service, He doesn't ever start with a command. It's always an invitation. An invitation to find peace and answers and joy in Him. "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest." And that is just as comforting as, "Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me."

Because it's not really about working and stressing and plotting and planning and sacrificing for Him. It's listening and responding and doing what He's asked us to do on the basis of the cross. It's seeing our salvation freshly every day. It's doing the things we can do and trusting God to do what only He can do.

Life is an ocean with waves all around us. Satan has plans for our lives just as much as God does, and Satan comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). But the good news is the second part of that verse. "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." [Jesus]

Isn't this exactly what we want? Isn't this what we internally all desire whether we confront it now or on our death bed? To have a full, meaningful life. To be absolutely exhausted for God's glory by the end of our lives. To cross the final finish line of the race with legs that are beyond numb but knowing just one and one good thing - you left everything you were given out there.

[things i am learning]

Every day I'm technically in ministry. I say technically because by title I am, but truthfully, every day of my life following Christ is ministry. The world watches my actions, hears my words, sees my reactions, perceives my heart's inner peace. It took a title for me to start realizing this, but here are just some of the things I have learned by God's grace the last six months in "ministry":

1. I am human. I am in-capable of loving people well by my strength or courage. I am headed toward defeat when I fail to spend adequate time with the Lord and draw on my wisdom instead of His.

I like this quote that reminds me of that: "The language of all true faith is simply 'thank you!'. That is your response to God. Don't complicate it. Jesus Christ has give you Himself because you do not have what it takes to live the Christian life." [I. Gordon]

2. I have more questions than answers, and that is ok.

3. Everything I do is a reflection of the cross if I claim to follow Christ. I spend my days with people who mostly don't know Him or many times haven't even heard what He's done for them, and that makes you reflect on your words and your actions much differently. Sad that it took me til now to really think deeply and seriously about what gospel I preach with every aspect of my life. Not just during "on the clock" hours but more-so the "off the clock" times.

4. God is worth it. Brad Buser told us the story last summer of doubting whether he would be any good at taking the gospel to an unreached tribe in Papau New Guinea, and as he voiced his hesitation one last time, his leader said, "Based on what Jesus has done, get on the train (headed to missions training) unless God shuts you down. He's big enough to shut you down."

Based on what Jesus has done for me, I am on the train to spend my life sharing the gospel with people who have never heard. And over and over and over again, despite criticism from some of the people closest to me and doubt in my own heart and times when I just want to shut the world out, God has been faithful in reminding and assuring me what Jesus has done in my life and Who He is. That is enough I do say. Matthew 28:18-20 is a verse. We don't need a "call" when we have a verse. The ultimate question is whether Jesus is Lord of our lives or not. Who has commanded us to go is so much more powerful than the what He's asked us to do.