[well God. . . this is not going well]

This morning I was reading the story of Moses and laughing. If I could paraphrase Exodus 3-5, it'd go something like this:

God: Moses, I want you to go to Egypt and bring my people Israel out of slavery.
Moses (remember he's 80 years old): Why me?
God: Because I'm sending you. I am with you.
Moses: Are you sure? These are all the reasons you shouldn't pick me - _________________. I pass.
God (firmly): Go.

Moses obeys. 
Israelites respond in faith and worship. 
Moses gets a boost of confidence and heads to Pharaoh's courts.
Pharaoh responds to Moses by making the lives of the Israelite slaves harder.

Angry Israelites to Moses: Are you trying to get us killed?!
Moses around his campfire that night: Well God. I listened and obeyed. Did I hear right? . . this is not going well.

Have you ever felt that way? You were trying to step out in faith, trust God, follow His ways. Only to fail, struggle, wonder what in the world you got yourself into? So many times we think that following God's leading means the path will be clear, instant and easy, so when it turns out to be twisted, difficult, confusing, exhausting or defeating, we feel just like Moses. This is not what I had in mind God. Am I sure I'm following You? I thought it would be easier. Did I miss something?

And judging from this story, that's exactly where God wants us. If I was Moses, I wouldn't be feeling very confident about my own abilities. But I would sure-as-heck be praying "God, please show up."

When we meet instant success or things go our way, we never pray "God please show up. Please show me what to do." We celebrate (which is good). We are eager to share with family and friends (good). But we don't turn to God in trust, faith and reliance.

Yet if God's purpose is to make us holy, not happy, then failed plans, twisted adventures, things that don't go how we envisioned, are exactly what life is supposed to be about. For that I praise God.

For the times I've tried to reach out to someone difficult in kindness but felt like it didn't make a difference, praise God.

For the times, I've prayed and prayed for a situation to get better and it gets worse, praise God.

For the times, I've followed God's leading only for things to get harder, praise God.

For the times, I've struggled and prayed, "God please show up. Please show me what to do." Praise God.

Moses had no idea what was in store for him or Israel, and I am so grateful the story does not end that night. He doesn't walk away in defeat. He goes back to God in honesty. God re-fills him with His promises and the reminder of His abilities, and though it didn't necessarily get easier, God did come true on His every word. He brought His people out of slavery. He displayed His glory to the nations. And Moses got written into God's eternal story.

Are your "plans" not quite going as you envisioned? Are you not where you thought you'd be, or stuck comparing your situation to the next person over? Are you wondering what in the world you got yourself into, doubting what you once felt so sure of? Praise God.

Go back to His Word and read with a sense of humor the many characters whose plans did not happen according to their timing, their vision or their understanding. Whose lives often got harder when they stepped out in faith. It's those stories that make the Bible what it is. It's those stories that exalt the gospel and worthiness of Jesus. And then trust that the same God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of Moses, the God of eternity, is at work in your own.

Perhaps His exact purpose was for the "plan" to not go as planned.

[stuck in delayed obedience]

Lately there seems to be a theme to my quiet times - obeying the little things. And truthfully, I found myself disappointed. I used to read my Bible for an hour each morning - writing down notes, reading commentaries, making connections with other passages, etc. Now after 10 minutes of distracted reading, I'm done. What's the hold-up?

The hold-up is that God keeps bringing up little things I haven't obeyed Him in. I sit down to read and soak in truth, but instead He convicts me of what I already know. Perhaps an example will help me explain. Here is a taste of my internal conversation/prayer a couple weeks ago:

H: "Good morning God. I'm reading on in 2 Corinthians about jars of clay . .  .

But you keep bringing up that person to mind. Yes I know I avoided them yesterday when I could have helped the situation. I just didn't have the patience, and I had things to do. Plus they would have gone on talking at me forever about some topic I didn't have time to listen to. You know all the times I've gotten stuck by myself listening to them go on and on and on and on! . . . 

So back to 2 Corinthians! What can I learn today. Let's see, what does that verse mean? . . . 

Ahhh I can't get them (said person) out of my head. Seriously God. I have lots of great reasons for dodging them. . . 

Focus. 2 Corinthians 4. Focus. . . 

[insert failure to re-focus]

Ok God, perhaps I should pray for them. Perhaps I should also confess my sin and pray for an opportunity to show them kindness instead of impatience and annoyance. Forget 2 Corinthians today.  I think I'm being called to pray, repent and act instead . . "

Ever have a battle like that? God won't let you get away with your excuses to do what's easy? Won't leave you alone to just soak in head knowledge but not actually live it out?

I read a convicting quote the other day - "The devil will let you resolve as much as you like; the more the better, just as long as you never carry it out."   [David Guzik]

How true! How much money does Amazon.com make off of books ordered by Christians stuck in delayed obedience? 

"I know I should share the gospel, but that's scary. Instead I'll read one more book that will tell me how."

"I should pray more and worry less, but maybe reading a book about prayer would help instead. I need more strategies first."

"I should love that person, but it's hard. Perhaps a devotional on love would be better."

Are you laughing at this? I am! And I am oh so guilty of it. Our lives are saturated, saturated, in Christian resources while 1,000's of people groups have yet to receive the simple Bible in their heart language.

Let me read one more book God. Let me do anything, anything, but the actual act of obeying You. If I can just know a bit more then I'll be ready. But when is enough, enough? When do we stop circulating our Christian blogs, sermon series, books and music and step out in faith? No other generation has had more access to information and opportunities to learn about and grow in the Bible. Yet I fear it has crippled us from actually obeying what we know.

Now I am no expert in this. I like reading another book of advice far more than stepping out in obedience. But God isn't letting me get away with that these days. And I pray the same for you.

Where is God nudging you recently? Don't think too hard, too big or too impractical. And don't ignore the obvious because you don't want to hear it. Where is God calling you to something small but greatly significant, something higher? What is one small way you can step out in faith? What is one promise from God to remember as you do?

Because truth is, God didn't call us to believe in the Church. He didn't call us to admire/appreciate the Church. He didn't call us to know about the Church. He didn't call us to read up on the Church. He didn't call us to attend church!!

He called us to be the Church, be the light,  be the salt, be His hands and feet.

Let's put down our books beloved Church. Refrain from another blog (after finishing this, of course). Pause your latest pod cast. Wherever God is nudging you, wherever God is calling you, step out. Obey. I'm praying for you. Pray for me! And together let's be what He's called us to be. We know who we are in Jesus. Let's live it out.

[the freedom to walk away]

The past couple months, Jesus has been really precious to me. I'm not sure what it is. But between Bible studies I lead and the season of Lent, I found myself re-reading the passion story a lot lately and getting choked up a couple of times.

It's not that I hadn't heard it before. I know my sin is a barrier between me and God. I know no matter what I do, I cannot attain a perfect relationship with Him. I know Jesus endured excruciating pain, abandonment, betrayal, rejection, suffering and loneliness for me and for the world. I know Jesus bought our eternity back on that cross.

But you know what else? You know what hit me hard this week? We can know all of that and continue on living the very same way. Pursue our dreams, take credit for our gifts, accumulate our stuff, build our own kingdom, ignore Jesus' commands and live for our pleasures, busy schedules and comfortable lives. Recite the gospel from memory but walk away from the call to be His disciple.

Ever notice that?

People walked away from Jesus all the time, especially when He was honest. Jesus stated truth plainly. He showed compassion and grace. He loved deeply. But when He said something people didn't like, and they didn't want to bend to His ways, they walked away. And He didn't run after them.

He didn't coax them back persuasively.

He didn't make empty promises to win their affections.

He didn't speak only what that they wanted to hear or change the message to make it more comfortable.

He spoke truth. He loved deeply. And if they chose to walk away, He let them go.

Does that scare you? It does me.

Because it means I, too, have that same freedom. If I thank Jesus for His forgiveness but go on living my life the way I want, will God still love me? Absolutely. Will He still put people in my life to point me back to His Word? Absolutely. Will He give up on me? No, never. But will I miss out on God's best if I live in this mindset? Every time.

Easter is coming. It's a time when we remember, once again, the message and victory of the cross. I pray it's also a time for us to say yes to Jesus' call. To respond in thankfulness for all He has done and to live differently because of it.

[a people belonging to God]

Last weekend, my high school youth had their annual lock-in - always a fun tradition. As we ate breakfast Saturday morning, we had a quick devotion, and I opened the discussion by asking if they had a favorite stuffed animal as a kid.

Their responses were fun, and we laughed remembering our childhood. There were dog stories and a bear with one burned-off paw. There was Pooh Bear. Even our pastor participated. And I laughed as well remembering my own treasured mouse. His name was original - Mousey - and he went absolutely everywhere with me:

Eventually, he was so loved and played with that he lost the squeak in his ear, his bow tie, his hat and a lot of his fur. When he started losing his head, I tried to push the stuffing back inside and sew his head back onto his left shoulder again. Twice. 

I'll spare you a picture of that beloved mouse now (yes I still have him safe in a drawer). But if you saw him today, you probably wouldn't want to hug and kiss him like I used to. You'd see his worn out fur, his half-decapitated head, his tail hanging on by threads, his used-to-be-white checks turned gray. You'd see a ragged animal, a "used-to-be". 

How many of our lives look like him though? Maybe not from the outside. We have social media and fashion and money and success to project our image and convince the world that things are just fine. But inside, I bet very few of us can keep that game up. We, too, are sometimes hanging on by threads, worn out, ragged, struggling to see beauty when it's easier to see "used-to-be". 

But you know what's true about my mouse? The outsider who has no connection, no memory, no childhood relationship with him sees him only by the outside. But me? I have memories and stories and still love him dearly. I'm not afraid to admit it at 27 years old. He is still a treasure to me. 

And that, my friends, is beautiful because it's exactly how God sees you and me. 

God knows about our inner rags and worn-out selves, but He doesn't define us by them. He knows we may not look like anything special to the outsider, but He doesn't see us that way. He sees us as a treasure. As someone He created in His image. As a person He loves desperately, regardless of our actions, mishaps and mistakes. As someone with much greater potential and beauty than how we appear to the world.

That truth hit me harder a few days later.

I was typing up my moms recipes, and there it was again. My mom has several cookbooks that are well-used and dearly loved from the many years of feeding a family of seven.  And there are marks next to her favorites, ingredient stains, torn pages and sometimes smudged directions that are difficult to read because of the years of use. For her Christmas present, I asked if I could type her favorites into a read-able cookbook for her so she'd have them all together and clean. She agreed and handed me a stack that has kept me busy for hours.

Today as I was typing, though, I came to an extended family favorite - Gabby's Vitamins. Gabby is my Grandpa Fletcher. He passed away when I was 9, and I'm so glad I was old enough to remember him. He loved the Cubs, his family and telling us we looked "sharp" on Sundays. He also loved these cookies, and re-named them his vitamins. Never mind that they were full of chocolate, peanut butter, sugar and margarine. You know, the healthy stuff:

I noticed my aunt's name next to the recipe and took a picture to send to her. Then, as I was typing out my caption for the photo, it hit me. The recipe book is just like my treasured mouse.

From the outside, it looks filthy, a good starter for a bonfire. But those recipe books? They were my mom's lifeline raising kids and a husband who can eat the whole fridge, by himself, every meal. There are memories and stories that come up as you page through the recipes. They are dearly loved, a treasure. 

What do my mouse, my mom's cookbook and you and I have in common?

We are valuable not because of how we appear from the outside but because we mean something to our owner. 

Filthy to the stranger, maybe. But not to the one who calls it, us, "mine".

Our God is not a distant God, not a God uninterested in our daily lives. He is not a God we must manipulate by doing good things, giving enough money to or saying a certain number of prayers. He is not a God who must be worshiped but never loved, feared but never confided in. He is not a God who needs food, sleep or protection. 

He's a God of love. A God of relationship. A God of great patience and mercy and grace. A God who is up 24/7 to hear our prayers, come alongside us in life and remind us of His promises. A God who does not abandon us to figure out life on our own but made a way for us to be with Him. Forever. A God who sees us as a treasure, when the world might discard us as "used to be's".

That matter was forever settled by Jesus. If you doubt you are worth it, just look to the cross. God sees past your rags, my friends. God knows you and loves you for who you are. No need to try and convince Him otherwise. He made you to be precious. Simply because you are His. 

"For you are a chosen people, 

a royal priesthood, 

a holy nation, 

a people belonging to God, 

that you might declare the praises of him 

who called you out of darkness 

into his wonderful light."  1 Peter 2:9

[when heat comes]

Here's the thing about words and blogging: sometimes they're stuck. In your head. In your fragmented prayers. In your heart. But you try to deliver them on paper or in sentences, and they're just a jumbled mess. After four consecutive days of go-go-go, I especially feel that way.

I started several blog posts tonight only to delete them. It's Thursday. I promised to write on Thursdays. But I haven't had the silence or time to let myself even think yet today. How am I supposed to come up with something meaningful and interesting for you to read? How many of you have I already lost?

Perhaps my best bet is just to start with a piece of my journal from Monday. From my sacred few hours before arriving at church. My time for running, for coffee, for breakfast, for God. There is very little I can anticipate or control in my days, but those precious quiet hours I can and do. From Monday:

Reading in Jeremiah this morning, and I really like the analogy in 17:7-8. It says:

". . blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

I love that it compares the blessed man to a tree planted by water. No matter what goes on around the tree - even scorching sun - the tree is nourished and fruitful because of it's source. What a powerful metaphor for life.

If we are fed by the living water (Jesus), we too will be nourished and fruitful in our own lives, no matter what. Our joy and peace won't rely on external affairs like today's news, someone's reactions to us, if things go our way, how easy a task or relationship is, if our efforts are acknowledged and rewarded, if our love is appreciated, if our physical body is healthy or if our bank account is full. Those elements live, change and die by the hour, day and season.

But a person rooted in Christ? This says that person can have joy and peace no matter what. This tells us we will have no fear when the heat, drought, pressure, pain and hard things come.

I love this metaphor. But I also have a problem with it.

Why is it so easy to agree but so hard to believe and live out?

Why do I love the idea but question it's practical feasibility? Does God really know the kind of world we live in today, I hear you ask?

Does He understand the pressures of success and work and money and achievement? Does He know how difficult that person is? Does He think it's that easy to forgive my spouse? Does He understand how sick my dad is? Does He think there will ever be peace and reconciliation in my country? Does He really even care about my problems? After all, He's busy running the world. Why should He bother with me?

Root myself in Him you say? Sure. That's easy enough. But why isn't this situation getting easier, more hopeful, better? Let's look closely at those verses again.

They say, "It does not fear when heat comes." Notice when. Not if heat, when. It promises heat will come. This tree does not escape heat just because it is connected to a life-giving source. It is not a special, exempt tree from the elements of life. And yes, God could shield it from everything if He wanted.

But that's not how life works.

We all want that. We all want to be shielded from hard things. But let's face it. We're human. And there are all kinds of elements that happen simply because we are part of the world. God doesn't isolate us from everything difficult. He leaves us in the world, in the elements, and He gives us a way to draw on His life, strength and love through it all.

I told you earlier that my morning time to myself is sacred. My time to plant my own roots in Jesus rather than the situations all around me. It only became precious hours to me, though, because of a time of heat in my own life.  A time I will forever be grateful for. Do I still struggle to live this out? Absolutely. But is God growing me through it? Every day.

Embrace the heat, my friends. It will force you embrace your roots in Jesus. And if you find they are shallow, don't panic. God is up 24/7 willing to meet with us whenever we choose to meet with Him. You won't "find" time in your packed schedule for this. You must make time. And then defend it. No matter what. No matter what excuse the world gives you to panic in the heat.

[no filter, no hashtags, no problem]

My husband started grad school last week, so Thursday nights are now 3-hour lecture nights for him. His first suggestion for my Thursdays while he's at class? To blog again. It's not that I don't have the desire. I often don't have the time or leftover energy after full days that are never routine or quiet or slow. But I do want to, so here's to attempting regularly for the next few months, on Thursdays, while he's in class.

Tonight's topic? Things to leave in 2014. Yes I know it's January 22, but it's never to late to make new resolutions.

At the top of my list? Hashtags and selfies. My husband's? Quinoa and elevator music. There's a funny story about that quinoa which I'll have to tell you another night, but let's get back to hashtags and selfies. And oh yes, add instagramed food pictures to that list after another failed baking adventure tonight.

Just before blogging, I tried making a chocolate roulade recipe that looked fun and delicious. Google it if you want to know what the Instagram picture should look like. You make a thin chocolate cake in the oven, let it cool, spread more chocolate on top, roll it several times  and then cut it into slices (just like making cinnamon rolls).

Truth is, even though I read the directions three times before starting and followed them precisely, mine looked a lot more like a large heap of brownie sundae gone wrong. It tastes delicious, but I'm positive you won't be seeing it in the bakery aisle anytime soon.

As I wiped up the large chocolate puddle that leaked all over my counter, I laughed thinking, "I really should have taken a picture of this mess." But wait a second. Why is it we only take pictures of the food that turns out right? Why is it that we take pictures of food at all? And then it gets worse. We add hashtags! Who in the world woke up one day and thought they'd add the pound sign to every random thought they had? About food?! And they'd broadcast to the world these pound-signed thoughts, and the thoughts would be #yum #delicious #perfection. What do you want us to reply? "Great news. Ithinkyourspaghettiiscoldnow"?

Sorry, back to failed baking. These social media, failed baking, things-to-leave-in-2014 random topics have a point. I promise. I think they all speak to a deeper issue that will start to become truth about our generation if we don't wake up. An issue with admitting failure, appearing less than perfect, being human, being normal and sometimes being more disappointed, discouraged, exhausted, frustrated or lonely than #happy #bestfriend #bestdayever #love.

I'm a person who craves authenticity. If you know me, you know that I can't do fake, can't do drama and can't do keeping up with appearances. So as I blog, I will try to be that. And if you choose to follow, please also vow with me to laugh more often at our failures in 2015. Leave your hashtags, selfies and instagramed perfections in 2014, and let's vow to embrace life as it comes, in all it's triumphs and failures.

#nofilter Is that that right poundsign? Great. Make it your last one.

And come back next week.

For now, I have a roulade-turned-brownie-sundae that should be chilled and ready for tasting.

[that we might fully depend on Him]

What word would you use to describe Christmas? I mean it. Pick one.

A thousand options arise, and it's hard to choose. But you know, every year your answer could change. For me it certainly has. And this year I pick "humbling".

Yes, humbling.

Yes I know. I didn't pick the usual - joyful, loving, family-focused, generous. It's not the flip-side either - painful, difficult, lonely or grief-filled. I think most people swing one of those two ways.

But me in 2014? I pick humbling.

You see, even though I've sung "Hark the Herald Angels" a thousand times, this year I can't get one line out of my head: "Mild he lay his glory by." His glory. His power, His beauty. His ability to never need food, shelter, water or sleep. His perfect self with no struggle against temptation, no need for people and none of the limits prone to humanity. 

Mildly, with ease, Jesus laid all of that beside. And He came to us at Christmas. He had every reason in the world to stay in heaven and be limitless for eternity. But He didn't. This blows my mind.

And it causes me this Christmas to reflect on all I think I am, all I think I know and all I think I deserve. Because I realize Jesus never gave those excuses to God.  

And He calls us to do the same.

To be put in our place. To walk humbly. To live gratefully. To bear heartache, struggles, others' disapproval, even persecution. To stop people-pleasing and sounding good from a human standpoint that we might get out of the way to be vessels of God. To stop taking credit, flaunting our opinions and being cynics of God's Word - critical of anything He's said that we don't like.

This is definitely something I'm learning these days. And maybe this is His goal of refinement in my life these past years.

I came blazing out of college. Ready to roll up my sleeves and save the world. Got punched in the gut a few times by the reality of people's lives and what it's like to love and serve and give only to have people walk away from God. Or use Him (or me) for what they need and then gone. 

And that sucks. Let's be honest.

I don't feel like I'm saving the world one bit. But wow. God is. He's much bigger and greater than I ever imagined, and I love and need Him now more than ever.

Maybe that, in and of itself, is God's purpose for me anyway. 

He doesn't care how many come to English or Bible studies or F.I.S.H. dinners. He isn't concerned about numbers, programs and performance. Ministry is His tool to mold, refine and shape me. Ministry is His way to humble me. Ministry is His way to strip me of myself that I might fully depend on Him.

Mild Jesus lay His glory by. Rather than parading His rights, He submitted to God's ways, became lower and re-set the course of history for time and eternity. 

If we are to be His hands and feet, Church, then we must follow His way and His way is humility. Let us be humbled this time of year. Let us be grateful. Let us be humbly grateful and stop telling God how busy and stressed we are (even in the name of good things), that He might show us who He is making us to be. Let us lay all we think we are aside that we might fully depend on Him.